What Dads Go Through When They Become Parents with Eli Weinstein (E91)

  📍 📍 Every Father's Day, I look at my husband and I wonder what becoming a dad actually felt like for him. Today, I finally asked someone, and I am so excited to share it with you. My name is Krissy Bold. I'm a stay-at-home mom to two little boys, and this is Mom's Guide to Finding Herself. Every June, I love to bring a dad onto the show, and this year I found the perfect one. Eli Weinstein is a licensed clinical therapist, a husband, and a dad of two with one on the way, who basically built his whole career around the stuff that nobody wants to talk about, but everybody needs to hear. He runs a private practice. He hosts the Dude Therapist podcast, and he just wrote a book called From I Do to We Do: Navigating Relationships Through the Parenting Years, which, yes, we are going to talk about. You may recognize him from The Kelly Clarkson Show or one of the other many podcasts he's appeared on recently. But today, I wanted him here because he is the kind of person who will sit down and actually tell you what it felt like to become a dad. The messy, uncertain, beautiful, panic attack-inducing reality of it. And that is exactly what we did today. Let's get into it   📍 📍 📍 📍 Eli, thank you so much for being here with me today. Thanks so much for having me. I, I love what we're gonna talk about. I love relationships. Parents, I am one. I'm in both, so I'm excited. Well, every June I love to have a dad on the show, and in all of the episodes that I do with my guest, our first episode together, we spend time talking about. You and your journey because we spend so much time talking about our expertise that we often don't have time to talk about ourselves and where we came from and what brought us here. So please tell me who were you before you became a dad? I just, I love talking about myself, so I find. Time every day to do that. So thank you for giving me more opportunity to. I'm kidding. Um, before I was a dad, I was a young married guy in grad school just trying to figure out what the hell I was doing with my life. That's, that's where I w- I'm still figuring it out, but I was really figuring it out then. And, uh, just young and naive to the world and, and I always wanted to be a dad since I was a teenager. Like I always wanted to be a parent. It's something that I think. is very integral to my roots culturally, religiously, as an Orthodox Jew, like we have a lot of kids, we raise families. It's a very family-oriented religion and practice. So like, it's just a very ingrained thing. I had no idea what it meant to be a dad or what it really was, Yeah. other than raising a kid. But what that really meant, who the hell knows? Again, still figuring it out. So that was where we were at. Amazing. So you, you met in grad school and then you figured it out, and then you knew you wanted to be a dad. How did you know it was time to start? Was it one of those you got married and, and started having kids right away? Or So a little time? interesting enough, it was really timed around, you know, finishing grad school. My wife was in grad school, I was in grad school. I was becoming a therapist. She was becoming a dietician. Um, and then we found out that we both have infertility issues. So we had to go through IVF and still today, uh, go through IVF if we wanna have another kid. So it was a lot less sexy and exciting and, uh, maybe as adventurous and fun. About having a kid. Yeah. even though the whole process, even when you don't have to do IVF is not always so fun. It's a little regimented of timing and again, not so spontaneous. It's like, we have three hours, let's go, you know, kind of thing. But, um, it was kind of a lot more planned. So it wasn't like you woke up one day and you're like, oh, I'm pregnant. It was, "We gotta go to a doctor, take a lot of shots. So it wasn't as, uh, exciting. A lot more energy, nerves, anxiety Yeah. stress around the process. Um, but something still super exciting. Now, how did that impact your marriage? The IVF process? 'cause that can either bring you together or it can be really stressful. Yeah, it was a huge solidifier Yeah. a young couple. I think I was 25, 26. She was 24. We got married. I was 23. She was 21. Uh, we were young babies. Um, and it really taught us what it meant to emotionally support each other and what it meant emotionally, um, to feel in front of the other person. Um, you know, a lot of couples don't. Get a lot of opportunities at a younger age to have like loss and pain. As much as when you get older, when you're in your 40s or 50s and parents are getting older and grandparents passing away and, and a dog dying. You know, a lot of stuff can happen when you get older. When you're younger, you're kinda just like floating through life. A lot of stuff doesn't happen. Sometimes it does to people and, and that's a terrible thing. And thank God, I don't know a lot about that, but, um, it, it was really just a, a good, here's what I need, here's how I need it. Here's what I don't need. Here's when I have this kind of emotion, how I need your support, when I just wanna talk versus I need help kind of conversations. Um, a lot of crying together. A lot of laughing because it was so ridiculous. Just, Yeah. I don't know if anyone knows who's listening about the IVF process there's a lot of shots in the tushy. A lot of tushy shots. and just like, you know, you're like a cute couple and you're like, okay, time for your shot. You know, like the tushy's out and you're just like, boom. Right. in the... It's, and you try to make a laugh of it and joke around about it. And it was a lot of also just, um, quiet moments of of depth because around us, people were having kids, all our friends were pregnant and having kids, and it was like this bond between the two of us of like, we're in this together. Like the whole world around us doesn't understand, and we're happy for them. And our best friends are having kids and we love the kids, and we're like, they're so yummy and cute. When we got home in our safety and our comfort, it was like, we got this, like we're in this, we know what this is. Like I'm gonna hold your hand, you're gonna hold my hand and we're gonna be there together for each other. And that was huge. Amazing. That really is incredible that you were able to that bond just behi like stronger and stronger and really get to know each other on a different level and what you actually are like when you go through an incredibly stressful situation. Now, did you find that that experience helped prepare you for the rocky transition to actually having that baby in your home? Not at all. Not at all. Um, it, it, was a different stress. Yeah. this was the stress of IVF and, and g- having, getting ready for having kids was something outside of us. It was our bodies not working the way they needed to. A medical necessity was needed and we weren't. There was no like focus of anger. There was no, like, this thing is keeping us up. Or this thing is, is making us stressed. It was, this is stressful around us. We kind of feel it together. We're in this together. It's kind of equal. We both had infertility, so it's kind of equal. There's no blaming. There's no one person over the other. So it's kind of like we got his, hands in, we're doing it together. one, two, three, break with a kid. Each one of us dealt with it differently, right? Motherhood and breastfeeding is a different. Experience that I will never understand and, h- and carrying a baby and, and giving birth to a baby. I will never understand that being up half the night, not sleeping. You know, we dealt with that different, how our bodies handled it, how our stress levels got our cortisol. Everything was just different. So there wasn't a lot of like, I understand what you're going through, even though we're going through this together as much as it was with IVF, If Sure. that makes sense. that definitely makes sense because with the IVF process, like even though you, as the father aren't the one, getting the hormones and, and having all the things, you're still so much a part of it, and it's, it's almost like the scientific pieces of it make it more relatable, Yeah. Yeah. and also like I I, I did all the sh I gave her all the shots 'cause she's afraid of needles and wouldn't do it herself. So like, I was there doing everything. Of course. I didn't feel the shots. And um, Sure. all that kind of stuff, of course is a lot with her. But there was, you know, it was, we were in it together. Yep. the idea of getting the certain amount of embryos was for both of us. Like success of the, of the, uh, transfer was for both of us, right? Not sleeping at night. Or the baby not eating enough, had nothing to do with me. Yeah. It was on my wife. Right? Or like vice, whatever it is. That back and forth, it was a lot more one-sided of the stressors and, um. I write that in my introduction to my book coming out, or that at this point came out, um, in March, 2026, uh, from I Do to we do Navigating Marriage and Parenting Years about the first chapter is literally the struggle of having one of the hardest arguments I think I can ever remember in our marriage during the first year of my daughter's life on our anniversary. It was like we just didn't know how to talk about that stuff. We talked about us. Against the world, but now it was us against something in our world, and we didn't know how to handle that very well. We didn't know how to communicate our needs when it was in our world versus outside of our walls of our safety. It was like amongst, it was like the alien was amongst us, you know? Yeah, that makes so much sense. Like, because you're supposed to love with, and you do, of course you do. Oh, yes being. This, this person that you brought into the world together, like there's no doubt about that. However. This person's also the source of a lot of stress, a lot of anxiety, and a lot of conflict. it's, it's such a, a variable feeling that you're, you're experiencing Now. I wanna hear what it was like for you, because if you're anything like my husband and a lot of the dads that I know out there, you're, you tend to wanna be a problem solver and fix things, be a fixer. Um. What was that like for you supporting your wife through a newborn phase? Not being able to fix things. Yeah, so it's funny 'cause if, if you look at the rhythm of my, my relationship with my wife and you look at like the old school Men Are from Mars Women Are from Venus work, I am Venus. She is Mars. she's the problem solver. Yeah. I'm the emotional ball of energy and like talk about it. She's more of the cave, go into the cave hiding. But as a therapist, I was trying so hard to be in tune to her and postpartum and she had a, we had an emergency C-section, which was like a crazy situation Yeah. that I felt like I was doing a good job of making sure she was okay, knowing there was nothing I could do about it. Which then like crushed me. 'cause I was like, A-and she handled it unbelievably. Like she was like the first day she's like, I'm on this. She was born to be a mother. My, My wife is an unbelievable mom. She was born to be a mother. Um, and little did I know that it was creeping up inside of me where I had a massive, massive panic attack about two months into my daughter's life. 'cause I wasn't taking care of myself. It was, like, one of the, f- w- like a very rare time where I was so focused on someone else that I really wasn't listening to me and what I needed because how could I not focus on her? She just gave birth. She just had a C-section, like she's going through massive changes and I had nothing to do with that. I was literally sitting waiting for nine months. Yeah. okay, let's go. When's it happening? And then it's here. Right? And you just, your body just went through a craziness. Your hormones are all over the place, and, and you're feeding, you're like literally the cafeteria for this child. Yep. and I, and I was trying so hard, so hard to like, what do you need? What do you need? And I was doing a good job with that, Mm-hmm. but she was doing a better job, being amazing and being great. And she needed any, you know, she needed just like everyone else, but it wasn't as, um, it wasn't what I expected, and that's, yeah. it wasn't what I expected as much. Like I thought I would have to be like running around like crazy and doing all this stuff. And she was just like, I got this." And I was like, okay, I'll just sit here. I... Like on the outside of like the, this, uh, beautiful relationship, I'm like, okay, I'll just, she was just like in love. Wow. Yeah, I can relate to what you're saying because I am also like, and I've got this kind of person. Yeah. And I know Also, she doesn't like to ask for help, so like that's also a big part of it Right? Yes. If you don't, if you aren't somebody that's naturally asking for help or accepting help and, and you just wanna take care of things when things are so out of your control, Exactly. things that I can control. However, this is, it's not just the dyad. There's, There's, a third person here that is wanting to be a part of the team. Now, how did you. to find your place in as a member of this family. so there, I don't know if there's a research terminology, but, uh, I heard this quoted by, by an amazing, amazing therapist. Her name is Dr. Cassidy Friedes, and she's very famous for postpartum in men. Her research is postpartum in men, anxiety and depression, and she calls it the pushout. And the pushout is the natural thing that most people, most moms are not doing on purpose. It's literally an unconscious thing of what, I got this, I'm the one who can feed the baby. I know what I'm doing. Majority of the time I'm on maternity leave and I'm taking care of this baby by myself while you're going off and doing your thing. And I'm not resentful. This is not about resentment. This is more of, and we can get to that. There's plenty of resentment at, at, at some point, um, from both sides, but it's more of like. I can do this. Don't help. It's the pushout. I got this. I don't need you. And it's not malicious and it's not purposeful. It's more of like. I know how to change a diaper. If you come in and try to do it yourself. I'm gonna sit there hovering, going like, wait, don't do it that way. You need to put the powder. What about the cream? or bath time or feeding like I'm on this bedtime. Same kind of thing. So the pushout happens and you feel very outside A- as a father. Like in the middle of the night, I wanted to wake up and and hold my baby and feed her. My wife's like, no, I got it. Like I wanna do it. Like "I have the body parts. I'm gonna do it. And I was like, okay. So I would stay up. To just like be like, do you need water? Can I help? I just tried so much. I had no confidence at all. and I love this child, but did not have any relationship with this child. I wanted to eat her face, but didn't know what, like I didn't know how to move. I'm like, okay, I don't, uh... I took, my role was naps. The baby would fall asleep with me a lot. There are too many pictures in a Shutterfly album of me sleeping with my children, you know, of like. Yeah. you know, Like the crazy faces and all the, f- Oh My wife loved taking pictures and she put them in a Shutterfly book. There's like four pages in one Shutterfly book of the baby of me, me and my daughter. Just like, and, and Love it. that, right? That was my, that was my role. I was really good at getting her to sleep and nap, paternity leave was life-changing Yeah. because there was no other option but me. There was no one to push me out. There was no one to say, I got this. It was just me going. We're gonna do it and see what happens. And I fell in love with my daughter and I'm obsessed with her still. And she's now six and a half and I can't get enough of her. Even though some days I need a break. like every other person. But that was the moment when everything switched and to all dads like, take paternity leave. If you can, do it, it will change your life. amazing. So you took your paternity leave. I'm suing what you're saying. I just wanna after. my wife was done with her maternity leave, uh, uh, I forgot the details of, like, she had a couple of this and the FMLA and all the things in New York, and, and then she did till a certain point, then I would do a couple of weeks and then she would go on a couple of weeks. And depending on my work, and I, I was, you know, working as an intern, like a, as a young therapist in a clinic that was overworking me and abusing me. Like I, I was at their whim, you know? So, um, but I, I took it and, and it was, it was g- it was from the second. I was so nervous, like, I'm gonna hurt this child by just like, looking at it. And I just fell in love with this child because like, it was just me and her. There was no one else to get in the way. It's my time to build my bond with this child who I know I love. and Who I have, who I've been waiting for this moment my entire life that I can remember as a teenager, and we're gonna do this and there's no one else that can help me. My, wi- my mom will probably make fun of me. I've called her plenty of times to go like, oh no, there's things, Yeah. I do? Um, and I didn't call my wife 'cause she was working and I didn't wanna bother her and I didn't wanna admit that I couldn't do it. So I called my mom and, you know, a lot of laughs and cries of Yeah. gonna get through this. But it solidified confidence in myself that when my wife and then we were both working and all these things, there was a trust internally and a confidence where I could say to my wife, no, honey, I got this. Right, Like, you sit down. And Not like her saying, oh, I'll do it. And I go, okay. It's like, no, no, no. I wanna do this. Give me a chance. And it was Amazing. Helped with my anxiety. As I was, like I said, I was having panic attacks, Right. and it helped my anxiety. I got so much better because I wasn't afraid of anything that was needed to be afraid of. It was just a little baby. Amazing. I say this all the time to moms who are struggling with mom guilt or struggling with trying to find time alone of. It. Not everything has to be family time. You know, your children deserve to have a one-on-one relationship with their father as long as they're in the picture, and they're willing to and able to just as much as the father deserves to have a one-on-one relationship with their children as well. Yeah. is And there's a lot of research on that, that. the way, of having one-on-one time with your kids is-- creates a lot healthier relationships, Mm-hmm. functioning and all that stuff for the future because. you and your mom have one type of relationship and you and your dad have a different, and you learn different ways of living life and experiencing life, and different hobbies and skills inside jokes. It's a beautiful individual relationship. I say this story a lot, but there was a a couple where I grew up that my wife had a friendship with in college and uh, she was older. She was like a head of the RA department or whatever it was, you know, and they have a date. With, They, I think they have four boys and each one of the parents, I don't know how they do it mathematically. Math is not my strong suit, so don't ask me, don't ask me the formula. They have a one-on-one date with their kids, the mom, with each of the four boys and the dad, with each of the four boys in whatever that child wants to do with that parent. So let's say for one kid it's golf and another kid it's chess, and another kid, it's, you know, concerts, and another. They do that either it's once a month, once a quarter, whatever the structure is of the year so that they can have that relationship with their kid. Because if you just and family time's not, there's no problem with family time, but it's okay to give a break to the partner Yeah. for you to have time and you build confidence because if you don't do that, something sneaks in, which is learned helplessness. Yeah. you don't teach someone by them doing and give them a chance to fail and failing, doesn't mean death and destruction. It just means it was a hard day and the diaper wasn't on and there was poop on the floor, or spilled Cheerios with milk. Like it's not life-threatening. Let's be real here. If it is, please talk to me It's a different conversation. Right. But if it's not, you're giving this person the opportunity Yeah. you a chance to be yourself. That's a respect for yourself and a respect for your partner to have that time. That's a beautiful thing that you're doing on two ends, for you and for them. And don't forget about the little kids. Right, to have a good time too. right. They love that. They And I get jealous when time. my daughter, asked my wife recently for a da- uh, mommy-daughter time to go get their mani-pedis, And I'm like, what about me? I wanna go." but no, no. And and it doesn't mean we won't have our things and we do have our things, but like. I get a little jealous. I'm like, I want some alone time with this cutie, You Yeah. Well then, yeah, I hope you, I, I am sure you get it. I'm confident you do it. Striking me as that person. Now tell me, was it easier to find your space, find your place in this with the second child? differently. So my daughter was very easy in the, She was an easy child. Hmm. Um, in all aspects sleeping. She slept like four or five hours from the get-go, and I was like, I can't do this. Like, this is insane. I thought it was like the worst thing ever. My son did not sleep well for the first year and a half, like woke up every two to three hours. Like he, did, he had tongue ties, all these things. So our re my relationship, me and my wife, we've talked about this, our relationship with our son only got really good after he turned about a year and a half, two years. Like, Yeah. started having the ability to stop being so stressed and tired Yeah. falling in love with him because of how yummy and cute and amazing he is. As a, as a, as a, as a, as a little dude. Yeah, we can't get enough of him. Like I, like I literally warned him yesterday, if he didn't stop being so cute, I would eat his face off. Like I just, I, I we love him. He's a little, like a little man. And so it took a lot more time to have the opportunity because we were in a bad space because of his physical stuff. His, he had, uh, stomach issues and all this stuff, Mm. but. Us as a unit, were a lot better equipped on how to ask for our needs and be better together as a couple than we were the first time. So it was harder with the, the kid was harder, but our relationship was stronger, so we were able to handle each other's stuff a lot better, even though stuff hit the fan pretty bad. Right. very relatable. I understand. And sometimes having the, the challenges makes it even more obvious where you can assert yourself and step in. And then also having the second kid that still needs to be taken care of, Yeah, I was like I thought I knew what I was doing, and then all of a sudden this dude came along, I went, what the hell is happening? Where did this come from?" No was holding the baby with one hand while changing and doing all like, I was a, I was a pro. And then all of a sudden a little man comes along and I'm like, uh, where did you come from? And why can't I figure this out? I love that. So for our last thought here, before we wrap up, I wanna hear what is your favorite part of being a dad? Me? It's the opportunity to be my fullest self and be accepted by my children and then do the same for them. I am a ridiculous, silly human being. I do voices, not very good. Yeah. I'm not a good voice, you know, joke, but I am jokey and silly, and I sing and I shake my booty and I don't have any rhythm, and I love to just be a crazy human being. In the silliest loving way possible. and my kids eat it up. There's no judgment. And even me physically, like I used to be heavier and now I've lost the weight. There was no, it just, I love you daddy. You're daddy. I love you and I love my, k- and that's the thing, I love my kids to the end of the world, no matter who and what they are because they're my kids. So to have that in your like life. To have that energy in your life is so freeing because I don't know about you, but with social media and life, there's so much judgment and hatred and there's something wrong with you because what you like dogs. What about cats? There's always a problem with something. To have that freedom to just be yourself. Yeah. and Live your life in the most beautiful way possible, I think is the most amazing thing. And, it, and, it, and it and it matures you. It teaches you just what that means. It means, And I think the word, the, the baseline word is authentic. It, It teaches you what it means to be authentic and. That only happens when there's no risk. That only happens when you don't get judged or hated on for picking your, your shirt up and making some funny noise with your belly and everyone and l- and, and, and no one going, you're disgusting. Right? Or Right, right. jumping on a kid and tickling, you know, and, and, you know, kissing it up and then laughing and, and, and the games. It's just purity. It's just authentic. And to me, that's one of the most amazing things as a parent is just the amount of authenticity you get to create. Yeah. I could talk about parenting forever, by the way. I'm obsessed with being a parent, so like Well, then we are gonna have to come back next week to Sounds great about dad, the dad experience it dads in general. Fantastic.  I loved your book and I need more moms to read it. So tell us about your book and where we can learn more from you. Yes, It's called from, I do to, we do navigating relationships in parenting years, and it's. The, the book for anyone who is in a relationship, secretly it's 80% a relationship book for any couple. 20% of it is in the lens of when you have kids. So the stories are humorous, frustrating, all those things that, that kids can be, um, from my experience as being a therapist for almost. a little over 10 years and being married for 10 years, a little over 10 years, and having two kids filled with client stories and tips and tools on how not to lose yourself as a couple just because you have kids. So we go through sleep deprivation and how not to kill each other as a couple. We go through some of basic mental. health, Uh, foundations in a chapter called Holy Trinity and gray area, which is black and white thinking. And then get into a chapter for dads for moms, and two of my favorite chapters, which is Pillow Talk 2.0, which is how to have real conversations with your partner and love and war. Which is how to deal with conflict. And then we wrap it up with how to have more intimacy in a relationship. So it's, I think 12, 13 chapters. I lost count. And the conclusion and introduction don't count, but they do count. When I was writing it, who knows? But it really is just a heartfelt letter to any parent who's going through it to say, when you've looked at your partner, and went, what the hell happened to us? There's an opportunity to go back or to go forward really in a way that is beautiful and loving and that relationship that is the foundation of everything you are doing as a parent. It, I'm so excited about this book and I really hope that it, it helps a lot of people. It sounds like the most perfect next step for everybody who's listening right now and is thinking, what do I do with all this information? Where do I go? This is, this is the resource to go for. Oh, right. Amazing. And let's talk about where else we can connect with you. You can go to my website, ellieweinsteinlcsw.com. My Instagram is @ellieweinstein_lcsw. reach out whenever, ask your questions. Vent if you need. If I can help, I would love to, and if I can't, I will do my best to help Suggest another account or another therapist possible to help. Amazing. Well, what an incredible offer for our audience.  Well, this has been such a lovely conversation. Thank you so much for coming today. Thanks for having me.     📍 📍 now don't go anywhere because Ellie is coming back in the next episode, and this time we're going deeper. We're going to talk about the dad experience and what it actually costs them to hold everything together, and what we can do about it Until then, take a moment for yourself and remember you are an amazing mom just the way you are