Ep. 21 Why You Feel Like A Different Person Since Becoming a Mom

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Do you feel like a different person since you became a mom? Well, in this episode, I'm going to tell you why you feel this way and how understanding this can help you make peace with these changes and get you on the path to reconnecting with yourself.

Let me take you back to when I first became a mom. I remember looking in the mirror and not recognizing the person staring back at me. Everything I thought I knew about myself, my goals, my hobbies, even my energy levels felt completely different. At the time, I didn't have a word for it. It felt totally disorienting and wrong.

I thought I should feel completely whole and complete. I thought I should feel like I was a completely whole person since I had these sweet little babies. Like they were a piece of my heart I never knew I was missing. And of course they were, but I didn't expect that to not be enough. I never expected to feel so empty.

What really didn't make sense was that I wasn't depressed, I was just [00:01:00] lost. I felt so alone, like I shouldn't be feeling like this and that I was weird. Since then, I've learned that this is an incredibly common feeling and that this phase of life even has a word. It's a relatively new word, but a word nonetheless, which brings me to where, which brings me to what we're talking about today.

The biggest reason why so many moms feel disconnected from their pre mom selves and how to embrace the changes instead of fighting them.

But first, we need to start by rewinding for a second. Let's rewind way, way back to adolescence. Remember how confusing and awkward that was? I mean, it was like some of the worst moments, right? You look back and it's so cringey. Which makes me cringey, I guess, for saying cringey. But anyway, the highs and lows, the constant changes, the endless questions about who you are, how do you fit in, where is everything, what, who am I?

And then you come out of it And it's [00:02:00] not exactly smooth sailing either. I don't know about you, but even though like my hormones settled and my body wasn't changing anymore, my late teens and twenties were also full of equally cringe, were also full of equally cringeworthy moments. And

I don't know about you, but those late teens and early twenties were full of equally cringeworthy moments as you try to figure out who you want to be. I remember reading about the. I remember reading, I remember Googling this because luckily Google existed when I was coming out of my adolescence about like, who am I?

Why do I feel like this? And I found like it was called the quarter life crisis and trying to figure out all these things. So, I mean, it's, it's a documented thing coming out of adolescence. is just as disorienting. So why am I talking about this? Why am I talking about being [00:03:00] 20 when we're talking about being moms?

Well, because the word that we have for this is exactly, no, the word, because, because coming out of, because becoming a mom is very similar in many ways to being an adolescent. And the name is very similar. We have adolescence and then we also have your matresons. And we also have your matresons. You have adolescence and we also have here your matresons.

Now, what is matricence? Just like adolescence, matricence is a huge life phase marked by physical, hormonal, psychological, emotional changes, right? All of these things, except this time it's triggered by becoming a mom. Your body is changing, your hormones are shifting, your brain chemistry is literally rewiring itself.

It's wild and it is permanent, just like in your adolescence. [00:04:00] And just like coming out of that, And just like that, emerging from this phase isn't pretty either. If you're not the person that you, if you're not the person that you were before you had kids, then who are you, right? That's a big scary question and the answer isn't always clear.

Now, yeah, and what's even, and what makes it, and what makes it feel so lonely? Well, Not everyone that you know, like when you were an adolescent, is going through this at the exact same time as you. When you were an adolescent, you weren't weird, you weren't different, you might have felt it, but everyone else was going through this at the same time, but now you are like the only person you know, unless somebody that you are very close with had a baby at the exact same time, who is going through this right now, and that feels really weird.

That feels really lonely and isolating. Now, let's talk about how this might have [00:05:00] shown up for you. Maybe you're feeling like you lost the person that you used to be or the things that used to excite you or gave you purpose, they just don't hit the same anymore. Or maybe you're grieving the life that you had before kids.

I mean, even if you love your kids more than anything in the world, you can grieve that life. It's gone. It doesn't exist anymore. I mean, maybe you felt totally prepared, but now that you're living it, it feels different. It's like you're on this emotional roller coaster and you're sitting there thinking, who even am I now?

Now this, this, now this transition can feel very chaotic, just like an adolescence. It's full of highs and lows, and one moment you're in awe of the kids, and they're the most amazing, beautiful thing that you've ever seen, and the next minute you are totally overwhelmed, overstimulated, and you're questioning everything.

Before having kids, you probably had a [00:06:00] pretty solid sense of who you were. You know, maybe you didn't have a hobby or a lot of passions, but you at least kind of, you had a routine, you had a flow, you had all these things that were going for you. And now, it's like somebody took like this etch a sketch of you and just shook it.

And everything got wiped away and you're staring at this blank screen.

There's nothing left, and you don't know where to even begin to start putting the pieces back together. And just like in your awkward teenage years, these years feel all really, and just, and just like in your awkward teenage years, these phase can feel really uncomfortable, like both physically and emotionally.

It's full of trial and error as you figure out who you're becoming.

Now that's postpartum, that's your matrescence. Like, there's a lot that's going on through there, but you are in survival mode. It might feel [00:07:00] really weird and lonely and all of these things, but you are like really just wondering when you're going to eat next. It's not necessarily like, who am I? Where am I going?

Like, you don't have time to worry about those things because you are just trying to clean the spit off of yourself. because? Because you don't have time to do those things because you're just wondering, when am I gonna shower and eat? Like we're talking about really basic needs when you're in this transitional period, but now that you're coming out of it, or maybe you've already been out of it for a while, just like coming out of adolescence, you aren't the same person that you were when you were a kid, when you were an adolescent.

No. And just like coming out of your adolescence, like you weren't the same person. You weren't a kid anymore. You weren't fully, but you also, but you also weren't fully confident in your new adult self. It took, it, it took, you weren't fully confident in your new adult self. It took time to figure that out.

And motherhood is no different. [00:08:00] Now, there are things that you might've tried. Now there's things that you've probably tried or advice you've heard that just really isn't helping. Like a lot of us try to fix this by getting back to who, where we were, who, a lot of us try to fix this by trying to get back to who we were before we had kids.

Like maybe you've heard of the term bouncing back, right? In every sense you bounce back to your old body, you bounce back to your schedule, your energy, your interests. You see these people who seem to be coming out of that first six weeks or whatever that they had off with their kids and they're right back at it.

And you're wondering, why am I not there too? Or maybe you're piling on commitments. Like you're trying to prove to yourself and everyone else that you've got it all together. Like I can handle this. I can, I can go to all these things. I am not overscheduled. I'm doing great. Everything is fine. But. In that you're not for but in that in all of that chances are you are putting yourself dead last [00:09:00] Thinking if you just focus on the kids everything will somehow fall into place But you know, and I know everybody knows that is not how it works

So what do you do? So what do you do to start feeling like yourself again? Well, the first thing you have to do is acknowledge it. This isn't you failing. This is matrescence. This is coming out of it. It is normal. This is being studied. This is a very common phenomenon. Recognizing that this transition is part of becoming a mom, just like adolescence is part of becoming an adult.

Recognize that this transition is just part of becoming a mom, just like adolescence is part of becoming an adult. It's totally natural, totally normal, and something that you can expect to go through. And it will be over. It is temporary. But through this you need to set realistic expectations for yourself.

Stop [00:10:00] comparing yourself whether it's to other moms or to that pre baby version of yourself. That version of you didn't have kids. That version of you also didn't have the wisdom or the experience that you do now. It's important. I talked about this in the last episode, but it's so true and I'll talk about it again.

It's important to find moments for you. Now, I'm not talking about like me time or all these things. I'm talking moments, right? I don't mean these big grand gestures like going out and getting a coffee for five minutes or filling up the gas tank is even a step to finding times that are moments for you.

You can listen to what you want to listen to on your radio on that short drive. You want Maybe it's locking yourself in your bedroom so you can drink your coffee while it's hot to me. Find those moments of time where you can really just do something that brings you joy. Find those pockets of time that you can do something that [00:11:00] makes you feel good.

And it's okay. This one's a mind shift. It's okay to lean on the people in your life, whether it's your partner or your friends and family. If people are offering to help you, you are not a burden on them. They want to be there to support you. People enjoy supporting the people in their lives. They like to feel necessary.

They like to feel needed. They like to feel appreciated. So if people are offering to do things for you, go ahead and take them up on it. And if they're not offering for you, ask. It's okay to ask. I know that's scary, because that's paired with the d possible disappointment of nobody accepting that ask, nobody accepting that bid.

And that's scary. But if you really do want to try to find the time to find you again, it's important to start being vulnerable and putting yourself out there. And probably somebody is going to offer to help you one way or another.[00:12:00] 

Now, we're not looking at these big, big, big moments of time, like every Wednesday you're going to be able to get out, or every night you're going to be able to get out, whatever those things are. But like, just aim for one specific thing, and then we can go from there.

Another mindset shift that we really have to embrace here is changing the way that you're seeing this. Instead of thinking about this as losing who you were, try to see it as you're growing into something new. You're becoming a new person. You're growing and changing. Yes, you've changed, but change isn't bad.

It's how we grow. It's how we evolve. And if you weren't going through a changing process your whole life, you wouldn't be who you are now. This just is a big, big, big one, right? It's not all these little changes and shifts that you've made till you got here. This is a gigantic change. And it's a gigantic growth, but that's scary.

I get it.[00:13:00] 

Give yourself permission to explore, right? Instead of trying to bounce back and go to those other things, explore other things, like ask yourself, what do you love now? What feels right for this version of you? There are plenty of things that you've done that probably don't feel right anymore because they were in a previous version of you, right?

So let's try to find the things that are making you feel better. Let's try to find the things that feel right for you right now. But we're going to have to give it time. Just like becoming an adult took time, so does settling into this new phase. Be patient with yourself as you navigate it. The truth is emerging from, the truth is emerging from matrescence Like adolescence is about growth. It's not about going back to who you were. It's about discovering who you're meant to be now. Becoming a mom doesn't erase who you are. It adds [00:14:00] layers, experiences, and depth. And just like with your teenage years, you will come out of this phase stronger, wiser, and ready for the next chapter.

In the next episode, you're going to hear from a mom who always knew she was going to be an amazing mom. And even still, she felt like a complete failure after a series of medical complications totally knocked her off her feet. It's a good,

and not only that, she's a therapist. So she felt like she should be well prepared and know better. This is one that you don't want to miss. Until then, take a moment for yourself and remember you are an amazing mom, just as you are.