Why Moms Talk Themselves Out of Everything... and How to Stop with Laura Aura (E88)

Why Moms Talk Themselves Out of Everything... and How to Stop with Laura Aura

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[00:00:00] That voice in your head that talks you out of everything before you've even begun. It has a name, and today we're going to talk about what to do with it if you've ever talked yourself out of something you actually really wanted. This one is for you. Hi, I'm Chrissy. I'm a stay at home mom to two little boys, and this is Mom's Guide to Finding Herself.

We all have that noise running in the background. The voice that says it's not the right time, that someone else's further along that you don't have permission to want more than this. Most of us have just learned to live with it, but today's guest has a different idea. Laura Ora is a keynote speaker, a personal growth coach, and the host of the Gutsy podcast, and she is here to hand you back something you didn't even realize you'd given away.

Let's get into it.

Krissy: Laura,

LauraAura: or

thank you so much for coming back to the show today. I'm so glad you're here.

Yes. Listen, we left that off with some cliffhanger, so I'm, I'm very glad that we're back here together.

We started

Krissy: If you weren't here in the last episode, we talked all about Laura

LauraAura: journey to [00:01:00] motherhood,

Krissy: she started a business with a baby on her

LauraAura: Chad,

Krissy: or in her belly, and then on her chest,

LauraAura: and then

Krissy: realized along the way that this isn't so much working out anymore and you've coined this term that I just love

mind

LauraAura: I jumped.

Krissy: Can you tell us what mind junk is and why are moms prone to having this?

LauraAura: Absolutely listen. Mind junk is just all of that crap that cycles in your head that tells you that you're not good enough and you can't do it, and somebody else is further along than you. And who am I to do this and I can't rock the boat? And what are they gonna say? And my gosh, I could write a book on all of this and it's a good thing that I am.

So a little

plug there. Listen it Mind junk is it's this. It's this internal dialogue that talks you out of your great ideas before you even get started. It's, it's what feeds hesitation. It's what stops you from moving forward. It's what tells you that you're not allowed [00:02:00] all the while, somewhere in your body or below the surface, you know an answer. You know what it's time to do. You know what you're ready to try, you know what you really want to change, but the mind junk feeds all the reasons that you can't. And so we've got to, got to, got to get used to listening to what we're saying to ourselves, catching it and shifting it. Because if we just keep thinking about it, it just keeps ruminating, it grows when we're only thinking.

Think about your brain, right? Like your actual freaking head right now.

Okay. When we're thinking, where are those thoughts going in around. They're caught in a box,

Krissy: Yeah.

LauraAura: and when we're only thinking, we're allowing that thing to grow.

Can you catch

and shift them without saying anything out loud? Yes.

Is it [00:03:00] harder? Yes. So I'm a huge advocate for it. We have to notice.

When we are

talking crap about ourselves, when

we are, when

we are treating, when we're being mean girls to ourselves, when we are questioning ourselves or we're overthinking something, or we're making something way more complicated than it needs to be, and I'm a big fan of interrupting it by vocalizing it, like getting, like opening your mouth is like opening a valve, a pressure release valve.

And you don't even have to say it to anybody else unless that feels better. But I will literally be like, Laura, what? What are we doing? I, that's not true, right? But it, that also pairs with self-belief

Krissy: Yeah.

LauraAura: if you don't believe the opposite or believe that something is better as possible, those thoughts will continue as well.

So mind junk, it's the stuff that's talking you out of your great ideas before you even get started.

Krissy: Oh wow, that's, yeah.

LauraAura: So real. It's [00:04:00] so real. I can like

feel the cycle

in

my body as just saying it

Krissy: it. And I feel like for moms, we're always trying to do the right thing for everyone else. But we're not necessarily thinking about what the right thing for us is. We're so focused on preventing problems and, and being a people pleaser and making sure everyone's happy and their needs are met,

LauraAura: that

Krissy: we forget where we belong in all of this.

LauraAura: Yeah. You know that that's feeding into the narrative

Krissy: Yeah.

LauraAura: of this mind junk as well.

You know, putting, you are not going to listen to me. Turn up your volume right now, my friend. You are not gonna get a reward

by putting yourself at

the end of the line.

It's not gonna

happen. Nobody's gonna show up with a gold star or a high five it.

You listen, motherhood is such a weird, beautiful, confusing, stressful journey and [00:05:00] everyone is on their own path. But there's one thing that I know for certain is that putting yourself at the back burner is not making you a better mother. I'm sorry. I'm just gonna say it for what it is. It's not making you a better mother because when you're depleted, when you're unfulfilled, when you're doubting yourself all the time, like I, I know you can strap up and put on your happy face in front of your kids or your spouse, right?

But you know how much energy that takes on a daily basis, and now you're exhausted and now you're not sleeping well and you haven't eaten a, a real ass meal in how many days or weeks. Friend, we have to change the narrative around how we treat ourselves.

Krissy: Yeah.

LauraAura: Motherhood is not an invitation to

dismiss yourself. It's an

invitation to say, how do I make sure I continue to take care of myself? Or how do I begin to take care of myself? Maybe you weren't doing it before motherhood. Now's the time because when, I know you've heard this a million times, but maybe this will hit [00:06:00] different Today.

When you take care of yourself, you're able to show up better for the people that you love. You're able to be more present. You're able to enjoy the moments. You know that we always talk about like savoring the moments, but how do you savor a moment when your brain is in 70 different places?

You know what I mean? Like when you're taking care of yourself and you're eating and you're drinking, and you're sleeping to the best that you can. Okay? Let's be honest, this is a weird time of life of for sleep, but when you're at least prioritizing yourself, something as simple as like. Washing your face before you go to bed.

Right? Getting some sunshine first thing in the morning. I'm not saying you have to have this like 80 step routine Right. feel better about yourself, but like when you pour back into your cup, you can be in those moments and not be stressed out or in a hundred different places. You can have a conversation with your spouse, with your spouse and not snap at them the second they walk in the door.

You know what I mean? Like. Yep. All of that has to come back to how am I prioritizing myself, or at least putting myself closer to the front of the [00:07:00] line, so I felt like somebody needed to hear that today,

Krissy: I think so. I think a lot of people did hear that. And one thing that I know that moms always are, one of the objections that I hear often is. It's just not the right time, or things are so busy or, you know, is this milestone.

LauraAura: milestone.

Krissy: is just about to happen, and it just never feels like the right time to be honest with yourself and to make decisions, honestly, not just based on what you think should be done.

So can you talk about that, like the, the right time? I mean, how do we define the right time? Yep. It's a moving goalpost. It it's an ever evolving, living, breathing creature. Yeah. And sometimes there are things that need to happen before other things. Sure. Like I, I think about, you know, I, I wanted to [00:08:00] travel and speak and, you know, do some of these bigger things, but I would not have been ready for that 10 years ago when he was eight.

Yes. I, I just. I know myself, I wouldn't have felt right about it. I, I, I wouldn't have, wouldn't have been able, I would not have wanted to be away from him that much. Um, he's grown now. Mm-hmm. know, he's about to graduate high school. We're in a very different phase of life. I'm able to do those things and feel more free and whole to do them.

LauraAura: So sometimes the things that we really want, um, there is a season and that we need to go through those things. But to always push everything off for some day or one day that those days they just keep getting pushed out. And, and I think the, the biggest shift that we have to make there is deciding. That we want it now Yeah. or that we're at least willing to make some kind of movement towards it.

Krissy: Mm-hmm. that's the other thing we pair it with is like, [00:09:00] okay, if I wanna do that, then we have to have the whole thing figured out. Yeah, I need a perfectly curated plan. I need to know when it's gonna happen, how it's gonna happen. I need a spreadsheet for it. I want a planner that's got color coordinated pens.

LauraAura: I wanna know what the weather's gonna be like that day so I know what to wear. You know what I mean? Like we want to control the situation. Yep. Committing to something doesn't mean you have to have it all done today, just in case anybody didn't know that. It's just saying, Hey, I'm willing to start taking small steps towards it.

I'm willing to dedicate some time to it. I'm willing to prioritize this now so it can start to happen. So if you keep pushing it off, I wonder, is it because you think the whole thing has to be done and figured out? And can we soften that a little bit by saying, okay, that's not the focus. The focus is really about my commitment to say, I'm ready to start.

Krissy: Yeah. And how often are we waiting for permission of some sort? What does [00:10:00] What does that like like? you From what you see, it's not always literally literally waiting for permission. There. There's other ways.

these external pieces to, to say yes. What does that What does that We're waiting for other people in our life to have what they need first. We're waiting for, um, someone at our job to tell us that we can, or that something is open or available. Um, if you do have a business, you know, we're, we're waiting for the right opportunities to show up. You know, it's, it's a lot of like, like hovering in the background, waiting for someone to shine a spotlight and say, okay, now it's your turn.

LauraAura: It, it's time to step forward when the reality is that power is in our own hands. Yeah. Uh, I'll give you the permission that you don't need but maybe need to hear, which is you're allowed to want what you want. Mm-hmm. You're allowed to change your mind. Ah, you're allowed to go [00:11:00] after something new. Yeah. You're allowed to stop something that you don't like anymore.

Krissy: Yes. You are allowed to leave a relationship. You know what I mean? Like you don't need my permission, but sometimes we just need to hear somebody say like, okay, I'm not crazy. This is a thing that people go through. This is a desire that somebody has. This is a shift that somebody's like, I'm not the only one.

Yep. And so we have to stop waiting for permission from others and instead give ourselves that own our own validation.

I love that you said permission to stop doing something, because I talk a

LauraAura: I talk a lot about how.

Krissy: we have identities that we had before we became moms, And there's a lot of shame Letting in letting that go when they go get right. Maybe you Maybe you love tore and you and you judge they didn't find time on time for wreaking and like you just don't prioritize. the time Run that time you and now you don't love it. So with all that judgment, as we did before, now you're judging yourself. There's a lot of shame in time.[00:12:00]

LauraAura: So let's talk about that internals of of

Krissy: giving giving yourself permiss.

go of something that you're doing that just doesn't fit. You know, I think that's often paired with failure Mm. up Mm-hmm. when in reality it's just that season has ended. Mm-hmm. And now you're just forcing yourself to do it. Because what? To prove something to yourself or to somebody else. Right. You know? Like if you've bought all, all the things to do a new craft or a new hobby, you know, you've got all the right things.

LauraAura: You spent six months researching it, you got all the stuff, you're ready to do it, and all of a sudden you're like, I don't ever wanna do that ever again. You know what I mean? Like, okay, what are you gonna force yourself to do a project that. That drains you or that you don't like anymore, you've lost interest.

Put that shit on Facebook marketplace and move on with your life friend. You know what I mean? Like, Yes. like, we like it. It actually can be that easy, [00:13:00] but it's all that internal narrative and what somebody said to us when we were younger or something that our parents said to us that has been ingrained in us, that makes us feel a certain way.

Like we're not allowed to change our mind, and in reality, it's, it's only hurting ourselves. It's only pushing yourself down and, and beating yourself up and forcing yourself to do these things that clearly no longer fit. Yeah, You know, changing your mind is a power move. Do it once or twice. yeah. You'll be like, you'll be like, oh, what else can I get rid of?

What else can I change? Because it's lib, it's liberating. Yeah. It gives you time back, it gives you energy back. It gives you, uh, mental capacity back. All these tabs that are open in your brain, it's like, okay, I don't, I don't have to do anything like that if I don't want to, Yep. I at least have the option to shift or change my mind.

And it's, it's a power move. I'm telling you.

Krissy: That's so good. You have this phrase [00:14:00] that I am Yeah. I am upset with, it's like living and re on my brain to of if um, if it's not a hell yeah. It's a It's a no. It's a no. How can we use that as a filter? Okay, so I'm gonna tell you how this came about. I was in a dressing room at a store and I was trying on clothes. We've all been under that lighting. yeah. We've all questioned ourselves and our entire existence, Yeah. and I was putting stuff on and, you know, I'm doing that thing where, you know, you like turn a little bit to the left and you turn a little bit to the right and you kind of tug it and pull at it and, and you're looking at it and you're like, well, I could probably, and, and I might at this type of event, and, and maybe if I do the, and I was like, why this?

LauraAura: Like, I don't feel like a hell yes in this. So if it's not a hell yes, it needs to be a no. I don't, I, I, I'm not gonna spend money on a maybe. Mm-hmm. And so it just kind of became this filtration system of making decisions. Yes. It started with clothing. I use [00:15:00] it for everything now. Like when I, when I feel myself kind of teeter tottering, when I'm not sure, when I'm like, Ooh, back and forth, I'm like, if it's not a hell yes, it's no.

Krissy: yeah, I don't have time for maybes. yeah. Sometimes I need to sit on it a little longer. Right. Yep. But ultimately, like I have to be all in on something. Because when I'm doing something kind of half or I'm, it's a watered down version, or I'm forcing myself to do it, nothing great ever comes from that, No, not at all. ever. Something goes off the rails.

LauraAura: You drain yourself, you pack your schedule too tight, you forget to do something else. You know what I mean? Like it just gets mucky or you end up. With a half, you know, closet half full of clothes Yep. you've never even touched, but you've spent hundreds of or not thousands of dollars on. Right? Yeah. I use it as a filtration system when I'm not a thousand percent sure or I feel myself wavering or I'm feel [00:16:00] like I'm trying to like push myself into something.

Is this a hell yes? If it's not, it's a no. And I leave it at that and move on with my life.

Krissy: That is so, so, so good. And obviously there are There are things that need to kind of one way or one way or another, even if nothing feels right, But but for those those things that are big and real. That you have have control, or What a what a fantastic way to just take some of the money, take some of take some of the decision you make out of it by trusting your inner your, your voice, that voice that you have. response now. You You said before that this is not the season necessarily in Bolivia, right? or wherever, wherever, you know, whatever you might wanna do.

can, we can, there aren't guty moves that we can make right now are actual limitations. are What are some Gutsy smally

listeners could make today or sometime this week to help make small changes in their lives. Yeah. I love this question and I, I just wanna, I want you [00:17:00] to know. That the bigger moves happen from the smaller moves, the lasting change happens in the micro decisions. And so please don't underestimate the power of a small move because it might be that move that actually opens up something that you never could have imagined.

LauraAura: So I just wanna preface it with this. Um, first challenge I'm gonna give you is to go back, look at something that you've said yes to. That you wanted to say no to, and go back and change your mind. Go back. I know you're like, what? I can't do that. That's a pot. Listen to me. We say yes to so many things out of expectations and obligation.

Your schedule is already full enough. You don't need to do that one more thing or that one project, or go to that one event or volunteer at this one thing. I'm not saying any of those things are bad, but I'm saying if you felt in your [00:18:00] body you wanted to say no, but out of obligation, you said yes, I encourage you and challenge you to

go back to that and politely decline. Something's come up. I'm no longer available for this. Uh, things have changed. You know, I'd love to help in the future, but I have to decline something. Keep it simple. Keep it easy. Give yourself space back. It's such a power move. It's such a gutsy move that it says like, okay, I'm allowed to have a choice.

That's what this reinforces to yourself is I'm allowed to have a choice. I don't always have to say yes when I really want to say no. So that's the first one. Um, the next thing I would say is finish something. Finish something, something lingering, something that's been on your, to-dos, uh, that draw in the kitchen, that's been driving you batshit crazy, that pile on the stairs that has just accumulated that [00:19:00] project that you've been wanting to finish on your computer.

What's something that's like, it keeps either nagging at you or pulling at you. It doesn't have to be a negative thing. Sometimes it's a passion project. Finish something, carve out the time, ask for help, like let somebody support you so that you can wrap this thing up because all of that is open tabs in your brain.

And that is just like a running machine always. Um, so finish something and. The next thing, the third that I would recommend is make a decision. I challenge you to be bold, to be gutsy, and to make a decision. It doesn't mean that you have to have it all figured out, as we previously mentioned. It doesn't mean that you have to do it all tomorrow, Yeah. but the next step in making this thing happen is deciding that you're gonna do it.

Krissy: Mm-hmm. When you're wavering back and forth, you're in this space in between, you're, you're wavering, you're, you're questioning, you're not [00:20:00] sure, you're not committed, and you don't take action when you're not committed. Yeah. So I challenge you to decide something and then just choose one next step towards it, just one.

LauraAura: Phone call that you need to make, an email that you need to send, uh, somebody that you need to re reach out to, to have a conversation or ask a question to a Google search, a chat GPT conversation, whatever that one next step is, one next step. Those three things, if you do those in the next week or so, you're gonna feel a little, little, little zesty, a little alive, and a little bit more gutsy.

I can promise you.

Krissy: Hey people, You've got your, list, you've got

LauraAura: You've got your your homework here, and I wanna reiterate you brought up, you brought up, is not you're not making power necessarily to the to the world,

Krissy: You're not making a power move on somebody else. That's not the point here. You're making a

LauraAura: making power for your own brain yourself to to show yourself [00:21:00] exactly what you what you

Krissy: where you want to go and, and how you and how you want your life. to look To look like right now a in a few years, but

do you want your life to be? And I think that's an important piece to really just circle back to and end on because of, wow, it's not not about.

it's about. us. Yeah. So please, So please, Laura, tell us where. more from you? Yeah, so my website is laura aura.com. L-A-U-R-A-A-U-R a.com. Uh, if you like this kind of conversation, if you like a little, little gentle push in the right direction, the Gutsy podcast is a great next step. Um, I can be in your ear twice a week, every week for as many weeks as you would like me to be there.

LauraAura: Um, and on social, my handle is at that, Laura, or if you wanna come say hi, let me know that you heard me on the show. I'd love to chat with you.

Krissy: Thank you.

so much for being here with us today. It was It was everything. I think we all need to hear right [00:22:00] now just exactly as we're, yeah. Thanks so much for having me. It's such a great, a great platform, a great conversation. Um, moms need to talk. They, they need to know that they're not alone. They need to know that there are simple solutions out there and that they've got this.

LauraAura: So thanks for creating and holding this space for us.

Okay, I need you to sit with this one for a minute and then I'm gonna need you to come back and listen to it again because what I'm gonna need you to do is go back to that yes that you said when you really meant no and change your mind.

You're allowed if this episode hit home, follow or subscribe so you don't miss what's coming next. And while you're there, make sure you hit the five stars and leave a review and come. Send me a message over on social media at Mom Identity Project.

I wanna hear what gutsy move you are making this week. In the next episode, we're talking about something I think a lot of us quietly carry around, but don't say out loud, when did you last do something for your health? Not a sick kid visit, not a, well check [00:23:00] something just for you.

A physical, a mammogram, a workout that lasted longer than 10 minutes before someone needed something.

If that question made you cringe a little bit, you are exactly who I'm talking to in the next episode. It is honest, it's warm, and I promise I'm going to leave you with something you can actually do.

Until then, take a moment for yourself and remember, you are an amazing mom just the way you are.