Mom Guilt is a Lie & It's Keeping You Stuck (E65)

That's Not Guilt

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You know that feeling you get when you leave the house alone for 20 minutes or when you say no to playing Pretend Kitchen for the fifth time? That heavy pit in your stomach feeling that we all just call mom guilt. What if I told you it's not actually guilt you're feeling? In this episode, we're going to dig into what that emotion really is, because most of the time it is not guilt, it's something else, and the more we mislabel it, the more we stay stuck in a cycle of shame.

Today we're naming the real emotions behind what we call mom guilt and giving you the tools to move through them with clarity and compassion. My name is Krissy. I'm a stay at home mom to two young boys, and this is Mom's Guide to Finding Herself. Let me tell you about this one weekend where my boys were still pretty much babies and all I wanted to do was go to a few stores, not for errands, not to buy anything specific, just to browse, to wander, to touch the throw pillows that I wasn't going to buy and smell the candles that I don't need.

I wanted to lose myself in the [00:01:00] randomness of a target or a home goods, or honestly both, and maybe another one in between the way that I used to. Four kids, but I couldn't do it. I stood in the kitchen with my keys in my hand and I froze. I kept thinking, what if they need me or what if I miss something cute that the kids do?

Or what if they wonder why I left? And the voice in my head whispered, you should want to be with them. You only get so much time. Why are you wasting it in a store? It felt like guilt. I told myself it was guilt, but now I know that wasn't guilt. That was something else. So let's start with talking about what is guilt and what isn't.

Here's the thing. Guilt is what we feel when we do something wrong. Real guilt is what shows up when you go against your values. Like if you yell when you meant to stay calm or you broke a [00:02:00] promise.

But what I felt holding those car keys, that wasn't guilt because I hadn't done anything wrong. I hadn't hurt anyone. I hadn't abandoned my kids in the woods. I was just trying to take a break. But I was calling it guilt and that made me feel like I was a bad mom for even wanting space. So what was I feeling?

Let's name it. It was probably a mixture of a whole bunch of things. Here's some of the things. Worry. What if something happens while I'm gone? Sadness. What if I miss something sweet or funny? Fear? What if they don't need me the way that they used to discomfort.

What if I do go out and it doesn't feel good, and I realize I don't know how to enjoy myself anymore? Fomo. The weird ache of not being a part of a moment, even if you're also desperate for space.

When we label all of [00:03:00] that as guilt, we trick ourselves into thinking we're doing something wrong, and that's where the shame spiral starts. There's a problem with mislabeling it as guilt. The moment that we say I'm just feeling guilty.

We give that feeling permission to keep us stuck. We don't ask more questions. We don't try to meet our actual need. We just punish ourselves for having one. And the truth is, guilt thrives in that space of unmet needs. It grows when we ignore what we really need emotionally and mentally and physically.

We think we're being selfless, but really we're running on fumes and calling it motherhood. And the longer that we do that, the more we build resentment under the surface resentment at ourselves and our partners, and even our kids.

Before we go any further, if you're nodding along to all of this, I wanna make sure [00:04:00] you know about my mom Identity Starter Kit. It includes three mini workshops designed to help you move through this exact kind of stuckness, find your thing, helps you figure out what actually lights you up again.

Find the time helps you carve out guilt-free windows that are actually doable. Make it happen, gives you a simple, repeatable way to take action even when you're tired or unsure. It's just $17. It's bite-sized and it's built for moms like you in the trenches. You can grab it right now at momidentityproject.com/starterkit .

Okay, back to the guilt. When is guilt real and what do we do about it? Let's talk about the times when guilt does belong when it is the right label, because ignoring real guilt doesn't help either. Real guilt shows up when we behave in a way that goes against our values, like when you yell and immediately regret it, or when you snap at your partner in front of the kids, or when you promise to play after lunch and then you forget entirely.[00:05:00]

And here's what makes real guilt powerful. It invites us to repair. You can say, Hey. I lost my temper. That wasn't okay, I'm sorry. You can say, I said we'd play after lunch and I forgot. That's on me. Let's fix it now. And when we model that for our kids, that mistakes don't make us bad people.

They make us human. That's powerful. Repair doesn't erase that moment, but it starts to heal it. It rebuilds connection and it also teaches us to trust ourselves again, because the goal isn't to be perfect, the goal is to be present and to take ownership of our actions and to demonstrate growth. Here are some strategies to work through the false guilt. These are a few ways to untangle the guilt knot when it starts to show up. First name, the real feeling. Instead of saying, I feel guilty, ask yourself, what am I actually feeling [00:06:00] right now? You might be tired or overstimulated, or touched out, or lonely or resentful, or all of those things combined.

Naming it gives you power. Start super small, five minutes alone in your room. Sit in the car with the radio off, just sitting there in the driveway. Don't scroll. Don't clean. Just breathe. Let your nervous system settle. Try short, solo outing. Don't commit to a whole afternoon. Don't go to that whole shopping spree like I wanted to do.

Start with a 20 minute target walk, or honestly start even smaller by going to the gas station down the road to fill up. Let your body remember what it feels like to exist without being on. Let people help. Let your partner or your mom, or your babysitter, or your neighbor or whoever is offering to help you, let them take over.

Let this be a partnership and remind [00:07:00] yourself other people having strong relationships with your child is a gift.

It's a gift to that person, and it's a gift to your children. Reframe the story. Time alone isn't selfish. It's sacred. When you recharge, you're not abandoning your role as a mom, you are reinforcing your humanity. Practice accepting joy without justification. You don't have to earn your breaks. You don't need to have had a hard day to deserve space.

Joy and rest are allowed. They're not rewards. Create a guilt journal. If you are someone who feels guilt often, try this. When it shows up, jot down what triggered it, what you labeled it as, and what the real feeling might be. Over time you'll start to see real patterns.

If this episode [00:08:00] hit home, share it with a mom friend who stuck in that guilt spiral. Follow the show. Leave a rating and review and message me on Instagram at Mom Identity Project. I love hearing what resonated with you. And if you're listening on Apple, a five star rating means more than you know. If you need help figuring out what lights you up beyond motherhood, download the Mom Identity Starter kit at momidentityproject.com slash starter kit.

It's just $17 and includes three bite-sized workshops. Find your thing, find the time, and make it happen so you can stop spinning and start feeling like you again. In the next episode, I'm talking with a mom who had all of the knowledge. She was a dietician, a lactation consultant, someone who supported other moms through postpartum. But when she had her own baby, everything changed. This conversation isn't about getting it right, it's about what happens when even the most prepared among us fall apart.

And how we begin to rebuild one small step at a time. It's honest, vulnerable, and one of the most [00:09:00] grounding talks I've had. Until then, take a break for yourself and remember, you are an amazing mom just as you are.