The Rules I Stopped Following After Becoming a Mom (And Why Life Got Lighter) (E86)

The Rules I Stopped Following After Becoming a Mom (And Why Life Got Lighter)

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[00:00:00] Have you ever noticed how motherhood comes with this invisible rule book rules about how you should parent, how your house should look, how grateful you should feel, how you should still somehow have it all together while running on four hours of broken sleep?

In this episode, I'm sharing the rules that I stopped following after becoming a. The ones that were quietly draining me and how letting them go made it feel lighter and calmer and a lot more like me. Again, if you've been feeling exhausted for reasons you can't quite name, this episode might explain why.

My name is Krissy Bold. I'm a stay at home mom to two little boys, and this is Mom's Guide to Finding Herself.

I remember a random morning where I was sorting through the unfolded laundry pile for a pair of socks. You know, that weird in-between pile that just kinda lives in a corner. My kids were finally entertained, which meant that I had exactly 11 minutes before someone needed a snack or emotional support, or a banana or something like [00:01:00] that. And instead of resting, I felt this pressure to optimize the moment, to fold that laundry in the corner, to answer a few emails, to put away the dishes.

To do something productive so I could feel like a good mom. Instead of sitting down, my body stayed tense like I had to earn the rest. And I remember thinking, why does everything feel so heavy when nothing is technically wrong? I've learned how many rules I was still following without questioning them.

Rules that I never consciously agreed to rules that didn't actually serve me anymore. Rules about productivity, about what a good mom looks like, about how much of myself I was allowed to take up. And once I saw them, I couldn't unsee them. And slowly, one by one I've started letting them go. Rule number one, good moms should enjoy every [00:02:00] moment.

This one messed with my head the most. It is everywhere. It sounds so sweet until you're living inside of it, because I do love my kids deeply ferociously in a way that rewired my entire nervous system, but enjoying every moment. No, I don't enjoy being touched all day. I don't enjoy cleaning the same mess 12 times.

I don't enjoy refereeing sibling arguments while reheating my coffee for the third time. Some parts of motherhood are mind numbingly repetitive, emotionally exhausting, physically overstimulating, enjoying every moment. It was never the goal. Being present doesn't mean being delighted.

When I stopped forcing gratitude on myself, I stopped feeling guilty for being human. And ironically, I enjoyed more moments when I wasn't [00:03:00] demanding joy from all of them. Letting go of this rule gave me permission to say, I love my kids, and this is hard. Both are true. And once I stopped forcing myself to feel grateful for every second, the guilt got so much quieter.

Rule number two, if I were better at this, it wouldn't feel so hard. This one is sneaky. It shows up as self-improvement, better routines, better systems, better discipline, better mindset. I really believed that if I just found the right system, everything would click. The perfect routine, the color coded calendar, the magical morning rhythm that Instagram moms seem to have mastered and listen.

Structure can help, but motherhood isn't hard because you're doing it wrong. It's hard because it's hard, because it's emotionally relentless, because the work is invisible, because the stakes feel impossibly [00:04:00] high. Once I stopped treating every struggle like a skill issue, I stopped constantly evaluating myself.

Rule number three, my needs can wait. This one sneaks in quietly. It just slowly becomes the default. You don't decide it outright. It just happens. You pee last. You eat what's left. You rest. When everything else is done, you stay up late because it's the only time no one needs anything from you. You silence your needs because someone else's feels louder. And over time you stop noticing how depleted you are because it feels normal. Letting go of this rule didn't mean becoming selfish. It meant becoming sustainable. I stopped waiting for permission to meet basic needs. I stopped explaining why I deserved a break. I stopped believing my depletion was the price of being a good mom, making [00:05:00] my breakfast before making everyone else's saying, I need 10 minutes without explaining or apologizing, letting someone else be mildly inconvenienced so I didn't disappear completely. That's when I started feeling like a person again, your needs matter because you matter, not because you earned them. Rule number four, I should be able to do this without help. I don't know why we believe this. Motherhood has always been communal, but somewhere along the way we decided we're supposed to do it alone and gracefully. That asking for help means you're not cut out for this.

Letting go of this rule looked like saying yes when help was offered, asking before I was already burnt out, letting things be done differently than I would do them. Rule number five. I need to get back to who I was before kids. This one kept me stuck for a while.

I kept trying to resurrect an old version of me, [00:06:00] the same energy, the same interests, the same capacity, and every time I couldn't, it felt like another loss. But that version of me didn't have kids. She didn't carry this mental load. She didn't love anyone this much motherhood changes you, not in this way that erases you, but in a way that reshapes you.

When I stopped trying to resurrect my pre-mom self and started getting curious about who I was becoming, things started to soften. Life got lighter. When I stopped trying to go backwards and started asking, who am I now? What do I need in this season? Not forever, just right now. Now, what changed when I let the rules go? I didn't become a calmer mom overnight or magically find balance. Life didn't become calm or tidy, but it became more honest. I stopped fighting myself. I stopped turning every hard day into proof that I [00:07:00] was doing something wrong.

I stopped measuring my worth by my output. I stopped turning motherhood into a performance. I stopped trying to earn rest. I started listening to my own cues instead of someone else's expectations. I gave myself permission to be a mom and a person at the same time, and that's what made things feel lighter.

Not easier, lighter. Not because the load disappeared, but because I stopped carrying what wasn't mine. Now if you're listening and thinking, wow, I am following so many of these, I want you to pause. You didn't choose the rules. You absorbed them, and you don't have to drop them all at once.

Start with one question. What rule am I following that makes my life heavier instead of fuller? Awareness is the first release. If this episode [00:08:00] made you feel seen, I would love for you to share it with a friend who might need the reminder too. And if you haven't already, take a second to follow the show and leave a rating or review.

It really helps this podcast reach more moms who are quietly carrying a lot. You can also find me on Instagram at Mom Identity Project, where we keep these conversations going. I so hope you'll join me for the next episode. Until then, take a moment for yourself and remember, you are an amazing mom just the way you are.