What No One Tells You About Birthdays After Kids (E40)

Mom's Guide to Finding Herself
Written By Mom Identity Project

Why Moms Feel Forgotten—And How to Reclaim the Celebration

Ever woken up on your birthday and waited—just waited—for someone to remember? For someone to surprise you? For something—anything—to happen that makes it feel like your day?

And then… the day just kind of comes and goes. Maybe a couple Facebook notifications. Maybe a half-hearted “Happy Birthday” in the middle of the breakfast rush. But deep down, it feels like just another Tuesday. Or worse—like an afterthought.

If that sounds painfully familiar, I want you to know: you’re not alone. And more importantly, you’re not crazy for feeling disappointed.

My First Birthday After Becoming a Mom Was Garbage

I’ll never forget it. My first birthday after having my oldest son was just two weeks postpartum. I was bleeding, barely sleeping, and deeply overwhelmed. No one really planned anything. My husband (bless him) did what he could, but honestly, I didn’t have the energy to ask for anything different, and he didn’t know what I needed either.

I remember thinking: So this is what birthdays look like now?
And here’s the wild part—it didn’t stop there. Year after year, it felt the same. A slow shift from feeling celebrated to feeling... invisible.

And I know I’m not the only one who’s felt this way.

Why Do Birthdays Feel So Disappointing After Motherhood?

Let’s break it down.

1. No One’s Planning It Anymore

As kids, birthdays felt magical because someone else was behind the scenes making it special. As an adult—and especially as a mom—if you don’t plan it, it doesn’t happen. The group dinners, the long brunches, the “let’s go out tonight!” energy? It fades. And unless we intentionally create that experience, the day often slips away.

2. You’re Still On Duty

Here’s the hard truth: your birthday doesn’t come with a built-in break from motherhood. You’re still making the lunches, wiping the counters, managing meltdowns. And when your soul is craving rest and recognition, still being “on” can feel especially heavy.

3. You’re Too Good at Pretending You Don’t Care

Let’s be real—moms are experts at playing it cool. We say, “Oh, it’s just another day,” or “I don’t need anything this year.” And people believe us. But deep down? It stings when the day passes without intention. And when you pretend your birthday doesn’t matter, the people around you stop showing up for it too.

4. We Pour Everything Into Everyone Else

We make our kids’ birthdays magical. The themes. The balloons. The Pinterest-worthy cakes. But when our own birthday rolls around, we don’t give ourselves that same effort. We tell ourselves it’s selfish. Spoiler: It’s not.

What We Try (That Doesn’t Work)

You might’ve already tried a few things that just didn’t land. Like:

  • Hoping someone surprises you (but not actually saying what you want)

  • Rushing through a quick dinner or cake while still managing your kids

  • Ignoring your birthday entirely, convincing yourself it doesn’t matter

But here's the thing: if your heart does care and you’re denying it, the resentment quietly builds.

How to Take Back the Joy of Celebrating Yourself

If you want your birthday to feel different, you have to take control of it. That doesn’t mean planning a big bash (unless you want to!). It means being intentional with how you want to feel and giving yourself permission to matter.

Here are a few ways to do just that:

🌿 Plan a Special Moment

It could be as small as a solo coffee run or as indulgent as booking a massage. The point is to do something that makes the day feel different.

🎁 Buy Yourself a Gift

Yep. For real. Pick out something you actually want. Wrap it up. Heck, add a note. You deserve it.

⏳ Carve Out Time Just For You

You might not get the whole day—but can you take an hour? Maybe your partner handles bedtime so you can journal, nap, or read in silence. Maybe you sneak out during lunch. Whatever it looks like, make the time.

📣 Be Vocal About What You Want

This one’s big. Tell your partner. Tell your kids. Tell your mom. If you want breakfast in bed, say it. If you want a homemade card, say it. Your people want to show up for you—they just need to know how.

🌈 Start a New Tradition

What if you picked one small thing to do every year? A solo Target trip. A fancy pastry. A walk by yourself. Something that’s just yours. Something to look forward to.

🙅‍♀️ Say No To What You Don’t Want

Don’t force a chaotic dinner if that’s going to stress you out. Say no to the things that drain you. This is your day. It doesn’t have to check anyone else’s boxes.

💌 Write Yourself a Letter

Reflect on what you’ve survived, what you’ve grown through, what you want for your next year. Let it be tender and honest.

📅 Celebrate on Another Day

If your actual birthday is too hectic? Pick a different day. You’re allowed to move the celebration. Your joy is worth protecting.

Let Go of the Guilt

It’s okay to care. It’s okay to want to be celebrated. And it’s definitely okay to create that celebration for yourself.

This isn’t about being selfish. It’s about recognizing that you matter too. That your needs, your joy, and your identity are just as important now as they were before you became a mom.

Because birthdays should be about remembering who you are—and how far you’ve come.

And if you're feeling like there's never time for you?

🎁 Grab my Snack-Size Self-Care Guide:
It’s packed with tiny, doable ways to reconnect with yourself before your kid finishes their string cheese.
Download it free here

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For Your Binging Enjoyment…

Copy of Birthday

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[00:00:00] Have you ever woken up on your birthday and just waited? Waited for someone to remember, or waited for a surprise or waited for something, anything to make it feel special? But then the day comes and goes, and it feels like any other day or worse it feels disappointing because no one really celebrated you the way you were hoping they would.

If that sounds familiar, you are not alone After we become moms, birthdays completely change and not always in a good way. In today's episode, I'm going to tell you why birthdays after kids can feel like just another Tuesday, and why so many moms feel forgotten on their own day and most importantly, how to take back the joy of celebrating yourself, even if nobody else is going to plan something for you.

I'll never forget [00:01:00] my first birthday after having my oldest. It was only two weeks after he was born, and honestly, it was completely garbage. I was sleep deprived. I was still healing, and the last thing on my mind was celebrating. No one planned anything and I, I didn't even have the energy to think about it.

My husband is the sweetest man on earth and did all kinds of things to try to make it special, but honestly, the day came and went without any real acknowledgement in a way that it used to be. And I remember it felt a little empty, like, wow, so this is what birthdays look like now. And the truth is, that wasn't just a newborn thing.

Every year since then, my birthday just isn't what it was. And I know I'm not alone in this. Once you become a mom, your birthday just doesn't feel like your day anymore. You still have to take care of everyone else. There's no magical birthday break where life pauses for you. You're still making the breakfasts and handling the [00:02:00] tantrums and the laundry and all of the to-do lists, and depending on the phase that you are in

your birthday might not even be acknowledged at all except for maybe the Facebook notifications, not because the people around you don't care or don't love you. It's because life just keeps moving. I still have to take care of the kids, and if I don't actively do something for myself, it might just be another day.

And from talking to other moms, I know I am not alone and I don't want this to be a reflection on my husband. He does everything he can to make it as special for me as possible. It's just hard. So many of us feel this way and we don't get a day off for our birthday unless that's like the actual gift that we're getting.

Nobody is going to make it feel special for us but what's worse than having your expectations change is we can sometimes start telling ourselves that maybe we shouldn't care, [00:03:00] but you should care. And today we're going to talk about why this happens, why we feel forgotten on our own birthdays, and what we can do about it. Now, why do birthdays feel so disappointing after kids?

Let's break it down. Why do birthdays stop feeling special after we become a mom? The first one, a lot of times nobody's planning it for you, right? As kids birthdays were magical because someone else made them that way. Someone else made sure our birthdays were special, and as you grew up, sure you had to take charge, but it was different.

People were going out with you. You could go out all day long or all night long, or do whatever you wanted. You could do it your way and. Now, if you don't intentionally plan that to happen, it's probably not going to. The second thing that happens is you're still on duty. Parenting doesn't pause just because it's your birthday.

If anything, it can feel even harder when you wish you [00:04:00] could have a break, but you still have to do all the things. And then what often happens is you tend to put everyone else first. We spend so much energy making our kids' birthdays magical, but when it's our turn, we don't give ourselves that same effort.

Now, the next one's tricky because sometimes when you act like you don't care. People are going to assume that you don't. They're going to assume that you are telling them the truth because why wouldn't they? If you don't openly express that birthdays matter to you, the people around you are going to assume that it's not a big deal, and let's be real.

Moms are really good at pretending that things don't bother them, so. If you want people to know it's a big deal to you or even a itty bitty deal, you've gotta tell 'em. You've gotta show it. Now let's talk about what people are trying and what's not working because a lot of us are trying [00:05:00] things and when they don't work, it can lead to a lot of resentment and a lot of self-sabotage.

Now, one thing you might try is just hoping, hoping somebody's going to plan something for you without saying that you want something, they're not going to, they won't be doing that. Not because they don't love you, but because people assume if you want something, you're going to say it. You will say, so.

People aren't mind readers. If you want something, you have to say it. You have to ask for it. Another thing people try to do is sneak in a quick celebration, right? A rushed dinner or a quick cake cutting while you're still wrangling all the kids. But that doesn't feel like a celebration. Some people try ignoring it.

You're pretending their birthday doesn't matter and you can, you can act like you don't care. You can act like it doesn't matter. But if deep down you do ignoring it is not going to make you feel better. It's okay to want to be celebrated. Good. So what can we do? What can we do [00:06:00] to make birthdays feel special Again, here's the truth.

If you want your birthday to feel special, you have to take control of it. That doesn't mean throwing yourself a massive party unless that's what you want. Then go for it. Have that big party. It just means being intentional about making sure that you feel celebrated. So here are some small ways that you can celebrate yourself on your birthday.

Plan a special moment, even if it's small, maybe it's coffee with a friend or ordering your favorite meal, or maybe even booking that massage. Do something that makes the day feel different than your regular day. Buy yourself a birthday gift or take a solo trip to target something that feels special just for you.

Give yourself permission to take a break, even if you don't take the whole day off. While last episode we talked about Mother's Day, which happens on a weekend, birthdays can happen literally at any time. So if you can't take the whole day [00:07:00] off.

Carve out an hour just for you. Maybe it's an hour at bedtime. Maybe you ask to have your partner help you skip bedtimes. You can get to bed early, something like that. Whether it's getting a coffee alone, taking a long bath, or maybe reading a book. Give yourself permission to do something that's different and restful.

Be vocal about what you want. Tell your family how you'd like to be celebrated. Kids love helping when they know what to do. Tell your partner and your kids what would make you feel special. Maybe you want a homemade card. Maybe you want breakfast in bed, maybe you wanna sleep in. They won't know how to celebrate you unless you tell them.

Start a new tradition. Maybe it is buying yourself that birthday gift, the thing that you've been wanting and that you're just not ready to splurge on. Or maybe it's taking that solo trip out to a store by yourself. Maybe you're going to a, a cute boutique that you've never gone to. Maybe you're trying out a new coffee shop.

Start a new tradition that feels special just for you. You [00:08:00] could bring the kids with you to a new shop or to a coffee shop or a new park. It doesn't have to be adult centered. It could be a family centered thing, but something that's just different from the norm out of your routine.

Now here's a big one. Say no. To the things that you don't want to do. We've talked a lot about telling people what you do want to do, but saying no to the things you don't wanna do is just as important. So if cooking dinner sounds awful, don't do it. Order out if a chaotic family dinner does not sound enjoyable, opt for something low key.

Instead, maybe ask to eat dinner by yourself. Maybe ask for that support. You can do that however makes sense for you. If you have this fantasy or this dream that maybe you can eat dinner by yourself for once, so you're not getting broccoli in your ear, then do it. Ask for it and see how you can make it happen.

Write yourself a birthday letter. Reflect on the past year, what have you accomplished, and what do you want for the next one, let [00:09:00] go of the guilt. It's okay to celebrate yourself. You deserve it. It is okay to do that. It's okay to say no to things. It's okay to ask for the help. It's okay to ask for the support.

It's okay to ask to be celebrated in the way that you wanna be celebrated. All of that's okay. And then this one's a different mindset shift if you need to. If scheduling does not work out to do any of the things that make you feel special. Celebrate on a different day. If your actual birthday is too hectic, plan a different day.

And plan something fun then maybe the kids got sick, maybe your babysitter got sick. Do the things that you were hoping to do on a different day. It doesn't have to line up.

No matter what you do, no matter what you pick, no matter how you try to do it, you're not gonna do it wrong. The only thing you're going to do wrong is by not doing anything and just letting it go, pretending like it doesn't bother you and building up to resentment. Birthdays are different. Birthdays aren't the way that they used to be. But they're still about you and they're still about how [00:10:00] you wanna be celebrated, and they're still about doing the things that are gonna bring you joy and help bring you closer to figuring out who you are.

Again, now that you're a mom, it's a day to remember that you can be a central part of your existence. You should be. You can be in the top 10, you can be in the priority list.

So make those big moves. Make those big plans, make those tiny plans, make those tiny moves, and tell people what you want and tell people what you don't want. Give yourself permission to do all of the things because you are incredible and you deserve that kind of recognition and celebration.

If you're feeling like there's never time for you, I made something that can help. The snack size Self-care guide gives you quick, realistic ways to take care of yourself before your kids finish their snacks.

It's free, it's simple and is designed for your real life, not some perfect version of it.

Inside you'll find simple ideas that you can actually use in the middle of your real life. Things that take just a few minutes, but help [00:11:00] you reconnect with you while you're in the moment. It's free, it's doable, and it's designed to fit into the busiest messiest days.

You're closer than you think to feeling a little more like yourself Again, you can grab it for free on my website or through the link in my show notes.

Mom Identity Project https://momidentityproject.com
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Sick of Disappointing Mother’s Days? 10 Simple Traditions That Can Change Everything (E39)