When Your Kid Melts Down and You Want to Disappear: Handling Public Mom Shame (E47)

Mom's Guide to Finding Herself
Written By Mom Identity Project

You’re standing in the aisle at Target. Your child is in full meltdown mode. You’re sweating, scanning the store for a quick escape, and praying no one recognizes you. If you’ve ever felt that full-body wave of shame when your child loses it in public—you’re not alone. And you’re definitely not a bad mom.

This post is your reminder that those moments don’t define your worth.

It’s Not Just a Tantrum—It’s a Shame Spiral

Krissy shares a familiar story: her son has a full-blown meltdown in Target over candles. He’s screaming. She’s panicking. And instead of wondering what her child needs, her brain goes straight to: “Everyone must think I’m a terrible mom.”

That voice in our head? That’s shame talking.

We’ve been conditioned to think that if our kids act up, it reflects on us. That if we were “good moms,” they’d be calm, compliant, and quiet. But toddlers are going to toddler—and public outbursts don’t mean you’ve failed.

Why These Moments Feel So Personal

When a meltdown happens in public, your nervous system goes into overdrive. You feel exposed, judged, and desperate to make it stop—not for your kid’s sake, but for everyone watching. You go from parenting mode to performance mode.

You’re not thinking about what your child needs. You’re thinking:

  • “I just need to make this stop.”

  • “People are staring.”

  • “Other moms don’t go through this.”

But those assumptions? They're not rooted in truth. They’re rooted in shame—and shame thrives when it’s silent.

Your Child’s Behavior Isn’t a Reflection of Your Worth

This is the truth we need to remember:

  • Your child is allowed to have a hard time.

  • You are allowed to have a hard time.

  • Meltdowns are normal. Your child is not broken—and neither are you.

Instead of internalizing your child’s struggle as your failure, reframe it: this is a child learning to regulate emotions. And you are doing the hard work of guiding them.

Grounding Tools to Use in the Moment

When you feel yourself spiraling, try these grounding tools Krissy recommends:

  • Name the moment: “This is a hard moment. I am not failing.”

  • Breathe: Take three slow breaths. In through your nose, out through your mouth.

  • Orient your environment: Name three colors, three shapes, or three textures around you.

  • Reconnect: Say (to your child and yourself), “We’re okay. We’re figuring this out.”

  • Use grounding phrases: “He is learning. I am guiding. This is hard—and I am still a good mom.”

These tiny shifts in thought can anchor you in the moment and help calm both your nervous system and your child’s.

What to Do After the Storm

After the moment has passed—whether it ended in the car, the parking lot, or a quiet aisle—give yourself the debrief you deserve:

  • “That was hard, but we made it through.”

  • “I didn’t fail.”

  • “This moment doesn’t define me—or my child.”

Then talk about it with someone safe. Shame shrinks when it's shared in safe spaces. Tell the story. Let someone remind you that you’re not alone.

Final Takeaway: You Did the Best You Could

You showed up. You kept going. And that meltdown? It doesn’t define you. It’s not a sign you’re failing. It’s a moment. That’s all.

So next time you're in the store and it all falls apart, remember this:

You are not a bad mom. You are a mom doing her best—with a child who’s learning.
And you’re not alone in this.

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For Your Binging Enjoyment…

When Your Kid Melts Down and You Want to Disappear: Handling Public Mom Shame

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[00:00:00]

Imagine this. Your kid throws a fit in target. Someone stares, someone else, mutters something under their breath, and suddenly you're not just dealing with a tantrum, you're battling full body mom. Shame. If this sounds familiar and your child's behavior has ever made you feel like a bad mom, this episode is for you.

Let's unpack where that shame comes from, what it really means, and how we can start loosening its grip.

let me tell you about the time that my kid lost his mind in target. When I told him it was time to stop smelling candles. He was tired. I was tired. I said, no. And then he went into full limp noodle mode on the floor. He was screaming, kicking, crying. It was a full scene. He was crying. I was [00:01:00] sweating.

And every aisle we turned down, I felt more eyes on me. I rushed through what I could, trying to hold it together.

And inside I was spiraling. There was so much judgment that I assumed was there, even though nobody said anything. And my first thought was not, he's having a hard time. It was, everyone must think I'm such a terrible mom. By the time we got to the car, I was pretty much in tears. I sat in the seat with him, I put him on my lap, and I gave him a snack, and just like that, he was calm because he was hungry. That was it. The poor guy was just hungry, and the part that still sticks with me is I was so caught up in the embarrassment, the feeling of being watched and judged, that I didn't even pause to ask What does he need right now?

All I could think was, everyone must think I'm such a terrible mom. That's what we're gonna talk about today, not the meltdown itself, because that's a whole different story, but how [00:02:00] we feel when it happens. The internal spiral, the shame, the pressure, the story we tell ourselves about what our kids' behavior says about us.

The way we treat our child's behavior is like a direct reflection of our worth. So where does that embarrassment come from?

The pressure isn't imaginary, it's baked into our culture. We are taught that a quiet compliant child equals a good mom. A public meltdown equals poor parenting. If your kid melts down, you are doing something wrong.

And worst of all, if your kid is struggling, it means that you are failing. So when your toddler acts like a toddler, you internalize it. Your nervous system goes into performance mode instead of parenting mode. It's not about them anymore, it's about what everyone else thinks. This isn't just about behavior, it's [00:03:00] about our sense of self-worth.

A Pew study from 2022 found that 70% of moms feel judged about their parenting and half say it impacts their confidence.

I don't know about you, but I can sure relate. I can fit into both of those categories. So let's slow down that moment. These are the things that you're actually probably experiencing. You are feeling exposed. Everyone can see you. You are out in the open.

You are no longer blending in. You feel judged whether or not anyone is actually judging you. You feel those looks. You feel their eyeballs, and you know that they're on you for one reason or another, and you're gonna automatically assume it's not for a good thing. Okay. You wanna fix it fast, not for your child's sake, but for the audiences.

You just wanna get out of there. You want that kid to stop screaming, you're gonna abandon that shopping cart and go, because you need to fix [00:04:00] this, and you're feeling so much shame. They're judging me. I am not enough. You're panicking. I have to fix this fast, or I'll lose it too.

That would be even worse than your child melting down. You melting down. Even though we're not really thinking about our child so much in the moment you are feeling disconnected from them, it feels like it's a you versus them, not you. With them, it feels like you're working against each other. You just wanted to go to the store to get that butter, and they are not letting you do it.

You're not a team anymore. And then there's the physical cues. Your chest gets tight, your heart starts racing, your breathing gets shallow. This is fight or flight in real time. It's not just about embarrassment, it's fear, it's overwhelm. It's your nervous system firing warning bells, telling you that you are unsafe.

Even if you are [00:05:00] just standing in an aisle surrounded by bath towels or clearance bins, you don't feel safe there anymore and you need to do something about it. And then there's the shame. The shame hits so hard. You love your child so much. You work so hard, you give so much to them. So when they act out in public, it looks like you are not in control.

And it feels like a betrayal of all of that effort. They are not seeing the behind the scenes. They are not seeing the work that you do. They're not seeing what your kid is typically like. And you're thinking, everyone thinks I'm a bad mom. They must think I can't control my kid. This has to be my fault.

Other moms don't go through this. Other kids are much better behaved because other moms are better than me. But here's the truth. Your child [00:06:00] is allowed to have a hard time. You are allowed to have a hard time too. Their behavior does not define your worth as a person or as a parent. Kids have big feelings.

Meltdowns are normal. This is something we can expect to happen. This is actually kind of a good sign because we know that they're going through the developmental stages that they should be. Their brain is growing. Being loud, messy or emotional doesn't mean that your child is bad, and it definitely doesn't mean that you are.

But the problem is when we feel that shame, we start to internalize it. When we constantly tie our worth to our children's behavior, we second guess our instincts. We parent from a place of fear and not connection, and we lose sight of the actual goal, which is helping our kids to [00:07:00] learn not to perform. We want them to learn from whatever they're experiencing in that moment, and they will.

They will learn to start telling you that whatever need or want or desire that they're feeling, and they're going to become more emotionally resilient, but your goal is to help them with that, not to put on a show for the public. Brene Brown's research shows that shame thrives in silence and secrecy, but when we name it, we disarm it.

So what can we do when we're in target and we're feeling like the world is against us, and that we just wanna crawl into a hole? How do we shift out of that fight or flight? Well, when you feel yourself spiraling in public, you can start by using some grounding tools. Name the moment, silently.

Say to yourself, this is a hard moment, but I am not failing. Acknowledge, my nervous system is activated, my child is dysregulated, and that's it. [00:08:00] That's all there is to it. What I'm feeling is shame. It is not truth. Shift the story instead of everyone thinks I'm failing. Try saying to yourself, forcing yourself to say to yourself, my child is having a hard time and I'm showing up for them.

You should breathe before you try to fix it. Take three deep intentional breaths in through your nose and then out longer through your mouth. If you can put a hand on your heart or your belly to try to anchor your body.

You need to get control of your body and your reactions before you can start fixing it. You can orient your environment. This is always a great tool. Look around you. Name three colors, three shapes. Three textures. You might feel like you don't need to do this. You might feel like you're totally in control and you're fine, but if your head is spinning and everything's swimming around you, this is a really great way [00:09:00] just to bring it back down to what is real versus what is perceived, what is actually happening.

What is the truth versus what is the fear and the shame taking over. This can help calm your nervous system and bring you back to the present., and then after that, after you have control over yourself, you can start to reconnect with your child.

Try saying softly to them or, and to you. 'cause you need to hear too. We are okay. We are figuring this out. And let your tone say that I'm with you. Yeah. Even if your words can't yet, try to control your tone. Use grounding phrases like he is learning. I am guiding. This is hard, and I am still a good mom, and do what you need to do.

If you need to abandon that shopping cart and go spend some time in the car, go do that. Go figure out the needs somewhere else without an audience, but try to use those tools to help you not internalize that shame. Stop that Shame in that fear in its [00:10:00] tracks so you don't take it outside with you.

And then you can debrief after the moment, go back into the store, get your shopping cart. Know that when you walk back in there, people are going to see you and know that you are doing the best you can. You did, do the best you can. And they're probably gonna admire that more than anything else.

So if you're still thinking about what other people think, that's a good way to reframe it. But more than that, you need to debrief with yourself and your child. You need to tell yourself, that was hard, but we made it through. Give yourself that congratulations. Give yourself that celebration of we made it through a hard moment, and yes, it was hard.

You can validate that. You can acknowledge that that is okay, and then talk about it with safe people. Shame shrinks when it is shared in safe spaces. So talk about it. Share the experience that you just had. Make sure that other people are knowing your story, you are [00:11:00] sharing your story, you're getting it out there, because then it's less likely to just be sitting in you like a brick.

You're not going to internalize it. And then after the storm, after it's all over, tell yourself you did not fail. Your child is not broken. Your child is not an embarrassment. This doesn't mean anything about your value. You didn't do anything wrong. You handled it the best you could, and next time you're going to have even more tools.

If this episode spoke to you, share it with a friend who might be feeling the same way. Follow the show, leave a review and come on over and say hi On Instagram at Mom Identity Project. I love connecting in the dms. It's where a lot of my friendships started.

And if you are ready to start making those connections, sending dms, or reaching out at the playground, then you can grab my free PDF Make Mom Friends in seven days.

It's full of scripts, prompts, and reflection tools that you can use, or copy and paste messages that you can send right now to start making those connections and [00:12:00] friendships.

You can find the link in the show notes.

In the next episode, I'm sharing something a little different and super practical. I'm walking you through how I'm using chat GPT this summer to help me simplify the mental load, get more quality time with my kids and my husband, and still carve out space for me.

It is kind of like having a personal assistant that never gets overwhelmed.

If you're looking to make this summer feel more intentional and less chaotic, you're not going to wanna miss this episode.

Mom Identity Project https://momidentityproject.com
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Loneliness in Motherhood Is Real… But So Is Connection (E46)