Fatherhood Rewrote His Identity & Why That's OK with Adam Flaherty: Father's Day Edition (E44)

Mom's Guide to Finding Herself
Written By Mom Identity Project

What does becoming a father really change?

For Adam Flaherty—musician, creative entrepreneur, and host of the Modern Dadhood podcast—dadhood wasn’t just a new role. It was a total identity shift.

In this special Father’s Day episode, we’re turning the spotlight to the dads—specifically one dad’s deeply personal and honest journey through early parenthood, loss, and what it means to redefine who you are when your world is no longer just about you.

From Stages to Strollers

Before kids, Adam’s life revolved around music. He performed on stages, wrote songs, and poured himself into that part of his identity. But when he became a dad, something shifted. Suddenly, the spotlight he once craved wasn’t so important.

In his words, the desire to “look cool” faded fast. What replaced it? Quiet hikes with his daughters, frog-catching adventures, and late-night support during feedings. The “rockstar” era of life had closed, but something richer took its place.

The Emotional Load We Don’t See

As moms, we often talk about the visible and invisible labor of parenting. But this episode gave us a rare peek into what that emotional load looks like from a father’s point of view.

Adam shared what it felt like to witness his wife become physically and emotionally tethered to their newborn—and how he tried to show up without overstepping. He talked about the push-pull of wanting to help, but also learning when to just be there.

This isn’t the stereotypical “dad as backup parent” story. This is about finding meaning in being the support system, and how powerful that role really is.

When Grief and Fatherhood Collide

One of the most moving parts of Adam’s story was the loss of his mom when his daughters were still young. He opened up about the pain of grieving while parenting—of trying to stay present and soft for his girls while his own heart was broken.

And yet, that grief opened up a different kind of connection. His daughters saw their dad cry. They saw him mourn. And in that, they learned that strong men feel deeply—a lesson so many boys and girls need to see modeled.

A Different Kind of Cool

As Adam shared, “I don’t care anymore if I look like a dork at the farmer’s market.” His cool factor now? It’s showing his girls how to build a podcast, how to flip over rocks to find salamanders, and how to show up with patience and care—even when he’s exhausted.

Fatherhood didn’t just change Adam’s schedule. It reshaped his values, his identity, and his purpose.

Why This Episode Matters

So often, we hear the mom side of identity loss, the invisible labor, the overwhelm—and that’s valid and real. But in honoring this dad’s story, we open the door to more honest conversations in both directions.

Because behind every newborn is not just a mom figuring it out—there’s often a dad, too, quietly becoming someone new.

🔗 Connect with Adam Flaherty & Modern Dadhood

👤 About Adam Flaherty

Adam Flaherty is a proud dad of two powerful daughters, a husband to an equally powerful wife, and a creative professional based in southern Maine. He’s a commercial director and video editor by trade, a podcast developer and host by passion, and a voice artist by side hustle—and he finds great excitement in aligning compelling stories with hungry audiences.

Help Us Grow

The BoldLittleMinds MomCast is made possible by you - the listener. Your support goes directly into making each episode happen—thank you for being part of the journey!

All donations go directly to supporting the production of the Mom's Guide to Finding Herself podcast

For Your Binging Enjoyment…

Part 1

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[00:00:00] With Father's Day around the corner, I've been thinking, how does parenthood change Dads, we talk a lot about how motherhood reshapes our identity, but we don't always hear what it's like from the dad's perspective.

If you've ever wondered about what's happening on the other side of many of our parenting partnerships, this one's for you.

So we talk a lot here about how motherhood changes us, how we lose ourselves, reshape our identity, and start figuring out who we are all over again. But with Father's Day coming up, I've been thinking, what about the dads? What's shifting for them in all of this? That's why I invited Adam Flaherty on today.

Adam's, the host of the popular podcast, modern Dad Hood, a podcast, where he has honest, thoughtful conversations with dads about what fatherhood really looks like beyond the [00:01:00] stereotypes.

He's a dad to, in his words, two powerful girls and married to what he calls an equally powerful wife. He's a really creative guy based in Maine, who juggles work as a video editor, commercial director, podcast developer, and even a voice actor on the side.

Basically, if it involves storytelling, Adam's going to do it. In this episode, we talk about how his identity shifted when he became a dad, what he let go of, and what surprised him and how he's trying to show up for his family fully while staying connected to himself.

Krissy: Adam, thank you so much for being here with me today.

Adam: My pleasure. Thanks for inviting me, Krissy. I

Krissy: I am excited to have you here as the modern Dad Hood representative

to talk about Fatherhood Father's Day, so we can get

an A glimpse into the other side of what many of us are parenting with. But first, today I wanna hear about your journey to parenthood. So tell me who were you before you became a [00:02:00] dad?

Adam: So before I was a dad, I was a musician late high school and in college I played a lot of music, wrote music performed on stage with a couple of different bands and sometimes solo It was a pretty big part of my identity, and that is one of the things that when I became a dad, although music is still a big part of my life as a, a listener and a fan, and a casual, you know, guitar player for my family, I don't perform or write music at all

Krissy: anymore Wow,

that's such a huge shift for you.

Adam: that's probably the the biggest thing that I of left behind when I a dad

Krissy: Yeah.

Adam: and To be honest, I don't really mind it too

much Yeah. Yeah,

know, there's so many great things about music and, and, and music and performing that I can enjoy with [00:03:00] my daughters,

but I don't necessarily

miss the, like, getting up one.

Krissy: yeah,

Adam: the

things that a lot of people might

not realize about being in a

band, it's like when you're in college. And all your buddies live within five minutes of each other. It's like so easy

to

together

Krissy: yeah. Yeah.

Adam: But when you actually take

that

project and bring it

into like live music establishments, clubs, and restaurants and things like that, it very quickly

becomes a business. And suddenly you

spend all of your free time like trying to recruit your friends to

And

Krissy: right.

Adam: that part of it, I don't miss as much.

But but yeah, that's, that's one thing that is, that was a big

part of my identity growing up. And when I had kids, I kind of, I

guess shed that,

Layer of skin, so

for, like,

Krissy: Yeah,

Adam: a really kind of

Krissy: right.

Adam: reference.[00:04:00]

Krissy: I am here for it. I think We all are. So you were super into music doing your thing. You went to college How did you meet your wife? I.

Adam: We met in college actually. We, we lived in the same dorm we were both dating other people at

and, but we be kind of became friends. And then a couple years later when

the opportunity presented itself, we,

I. We went out on a date and, and the rest is history. And

that was over 20 years ago 22 years ago,

Krissy: Wow. that's incredible. Now, did you know you always wanted kids or was this something that just kind of,

it was the next step in your relationship?

Adam: I did, I did know that I

Krissy: Mm-hmm.

Adam: the youngest of so I.

have

Krissy: Wow.

Adam: siblings who are all.

Significantly older than me. So my oldest brother is 20 years older. And so my,

of my three other siblings have

kids, and they had those kids when I

[00:05:00] was in like late high school, early college.

And so it was a great age

for, for me to like watch them grow up and be part of their lives when

they were growing up. And I had. Tons of opportunities

to, to babysit a couple

different occasions. One of my

brothers and his wife like would go like on a multi-day vacation, just them. And so I was alone with the kids or my wife, Sarah would

Krissy: Yeah,

Adam: would

Krissy: fair.

Adam: and, and take care of the kids for multiple

days. And.

So I feel like I, I got a lot of great hands-on experience that way. would say even before that, I knew that at some point I wanted to have kids for

Krissy: Wow. I hear such a similar story from a lot of the moms I talk to who especially grew up in larger families, or maybe were the oldest or had a lot of cousins running around that that just, they always felt this maternal nurturing instinct. So

it's interesting [00:06:00] to hear the same kind of perspective from somebody.

Who from a father who grew up in a similar

circumstance where

this was still something that you found really exciting and really like. Like nurturing and and caring like this, you loved that you thrived on that sense, rather than maybe it being like,

ugh, another thing I have to do or, or this is like a burden.

Like you're cramming my style. I'm supposed to be playing with my buddies in a garage somewhere.

So yeah, it's really great. And

how did your relationship progress after college to

deciding, you know, now's the time.

Adam: Well, getting too far into our story, after college I moved about an hour away to around the area where I grew up and I got an apartment and my wife stayed in the area where we went to school. She eventually moved to where I was and we lived in different apartments, but town very, you

Krissy: Okay.

Adam: distance for a couple of years [00:07:00] and she ended up getting a job.

back closer to where we went to So

Krissy: Okay.

Adam: For a period of time seeing each other

all the time.

And then we went to really just on weekends. And maybe a year or two years, a year and a half of that, I was in a place in my life and with my early career where. made sense for me to move down

to if we wanted to

Krissy: Mm.

Adam: again.

And at

Krissy: Yeah.

Adam: ready to get an

apartment together, live together, and, and

that we weren't

committed before, but just make a, a real commitment to, to move in together. And so

I. decided to leave the job that I was working at in video production and start a freelance

business. to where

Krissy: Wow.

Adam: we got an apartment together.

As my business grew, I'm

sort of moved, moved it out of the [00:08:00] apartment that we were living in and

into an office

Krissy: move.

Adam: know right? And eventually proposed after a couple of years and. We bought a house and

started having kids, and I guess the rest is

is history.

Krissy: It's like if you could have written it, it sounds like this is what you would've planned if you could have.

Adam: I think so. And, you know, just like knowing from an early

to have

Krissy: Yeah.

Adam: I also maybe it's not obvious, but I, I knew that I

would want to

to get married and,

And have that. Life partner. And yeah, it, it kind of rolled out in a

very

natural

Krissy: Yeah. that's, really great. So you were,

were you playing music professionally for money too? Like was or is this just kind of like the money was a fun thing?

Adam: There was a little bit of but not,

Krissy: Yeah.

Adam: too much. It was more about, you know, the and just

Krissy: Yeah.

Adam: and [00:09:00] and

Krissy: so. the money was, a perk, but you had a, a small business going on, so

you're becoming a dad as a small business owner.

That's sounds like a lot of pressure.

Adam: It was, it was a lot of pressure.

I think by the time we started having kids. So our, I have two daughters who are 11 and eight, and when my older daughter was born at that point, I had taken on a partner in my business and we had a couple of employees. Not to say that, that there, that's, there's any less pressure there.

And in fact, in, there's. more pressure because now you're responsible for bringing

in enough revenue that you can pay other people's salaries and support other

Krissy: Yeah.

Adam: in some ways, it felt a little more stable than just being a

solo entrepreneur. So. Yeah. I mean, it, it was, it was an exciting feel

Krissy: Yeah.

Adam: thought about it in terms of the worst

if

Krissy: Yeah.

Adam: work out

and if the [00:10:00] worst case scenario wouldn't absolutely destroy our family,

then then I was gonna go for it and try it. While I was,

I was relatively young

Krissy: Right, right.

When you can like, think that there's other paths that you could potentially take, you can see a whole future ahead of you in the distance. So

that's really fascinating and I hear what you're saying with the, having the, the employees, it just kind of makes your business feel a little more like.

Legit like a real job versus like, this is fun and this is scary. I,

I both sides of it makes sense to me for sure.

So once you'd had kids,

your life

changed completely. Tell me about those early days of having, having a little one.

Adam: Yeah.

I don't, I'm not sure that my experience is too

Krissy: Yeah,

Adam: but I will always remember those early days, weeks, months, of having a newborn in, in both times, really. But I, I think back to the first time, which for me was, [00:11:00] you know, almost 12 years ago now, and. know, just the, the, sleepless nights and just the feeling delirious all the time and you almost don't know when, what

is night and what is day or what day of the week it is. And man, it

can, I. It can push you right to the edge of your, your boundaries and make you wonder. Some, some nights literally we would be up together in the night while my wife wa was feeding our daughter,

and I would be there just kind of por supporting her. I didn't do that all the time. Sometimes

Krissy: yeah, yeah.

Adam: we just look at each other and go, oh my God, like

can we survive this? live

Krissy: Right.

Adam: And I. Thankfully my wife

had was in a couple of Facebook groups at that time for new moms and had a lot of support from those groups and, and met some people that she is still in touch [00:12:00] with

and I. I just found constant

reinforcement that yes, you will live through this.

Everybody does.

It's extremely difficult. It will test everything you

know. It'll test your patients, it'll test you everything, but. You will make it through this phase.

And so we reminded each other of that a lot during that

period. And thankfully we've got great friends and

family who, you know, came over and, and

helped us with meals and, you know, the things that, that you do.

Krissy: The things you hope that you'll people will do.

Adam: Yeah.

that's, that's a to say it.

Krissy: Yeah. Wow. So I'm, so, I have so many questions for you from this. So when, when we talk a lot about the transition that moms, I.

Go through. I mean, obviously this podcast is mom's guide to Finding herself, and we [00:13:00] hear about how moms

they, we feel so

con, physically constrained

because especially if you're breastfeeding, you are there with that child.

You are a dyad, you are not.

You can't separate from them for much longer than a few hours at best.

Especially overnight. You are, it's just a whole other way. So tell me how your wife's transition

to motherhood and those physical demands

and emotional, mental demands, how did that impact

you? Watching her go through that?

Adam: I think that my approach to observing her going through that?

was to be available to her in any way that I could, and even though we both had experience. Babies and toddlers. mean, as you know, Krissy, it's just like a completely, completely different thing when you are the, the person or the people solely [00:14:00] responsible for keeping an infant alive.

And so I that?

to say like, You can read all the books available, but until you're in it, you just, there's no way to be, to be prepared for that's gonna feel and. Obviously I don't have that, that same experience of being physically tethered, so my approach was just I'm gonna be as present as possible and available as possible to support both of them.

However, I. It's needed and to just fill in the gaps and look for ways to help and do things without being asked to. And I think that was, that was my whole thing, is just like, how can I be of service to my family?

Krissy: Yeah, I can imagine It's tricky

to try to figure out your place in this new role because the mother's role is very clear. [00:15:00] There's, there's no doubt about what that,

what the mother has to do.

It's where and how the father chooses or sees the place to come in. And it's not always easy because

there is

the maternal gatekeeping aspect that can come in where

like there's such a hormonal connection, like that's chemical change to this baby

where you don't necessarily want other people.

To come in and help. And sometimes it ebbs and flows like within a second you can be like, Nope, stay away. I've got it. I'm gonna do this the right way. I know best. And then a second later or 10 minutes later, you're like, well, why are you not doing something? Why are you not helping?

How is that experience for you with trying to find your place in this new partnership?

Adam: Well, I think as human beings it. It can be easy to let your instincts in a situation like that get the best of you and to push back and say, [00:16:00] I'm just doing what you told me to do 10 minutes ago and now, but, and I, I also don't know that I am representative of, of all dads and certainly don't claim to be like an expert or somebody who like did things the right way.

But I'll say like. It's extremely important to be patient try to remember that like we've got hormonal stuff going on too, but nothing like to to nothing even

to what mother is going through hormonally. And so it,

it's hard for us to, to comprehend those types of inconsistencies and, and changes. In just a moment's time. So whatever degree we can be just patient and just roll with it and just try to be there for whatever she [00:17:00] needs, like it's only gonna serve

to make the experience better for everybody

involved

Krissy: Right

now, I'm curious how your relationship might have changed throughout all of this experience. 'cause I, I wanna get more, I wanna talk more in the next episode about all of your experience talking to dads. I know you're not.

Necessarily the like dad representative. You're not our token dad necessarily, but

we

will in the next episode dive into all the conversations you've had with other dads to get that perspective too.

But I

wanna hear how your identity, we talked a little bit about it with the music,

but how was your identity changed

as you became a dad?

Like what, what new things were coming up for you? What things were you no longer interested in? I wanna hear your experience with this shift.

Adam: It is funny because like we did talk about the, the music, but I think even beyond like the actual like, getting on stage and like, [00:18:00] and, and playing instruments, there is this idea that, you know, you're in a band, you, you kind of are seeking. Attention of And when I became a dad, it's just like, I, I didn't, I no longer

cared about being in the spotlight or looking cool, or having people think that I was like, cool or interesting. I, I feel like the, the spotlight, my own personal spotlight just started to shine on my kids. and again, it's just not something that. thought about too much. It's a, it's a part of my life that I'm okay leaving behind. I, it doesn't really matter to

me. If we go out in public to a farmer's market and I like, look like a total dork, I don't really care what people think about me It's all just about being with

my family. I think that the other [00:19:00] thing that I would say is. That there are things from, like we all have a story. We all have a set of experiences that we had prior to having kids. For me, it was being in video production, it was the music stuff. It was all these things that I had a lot of interest in, and some of them I still carry through now. But being able to sort of pick and choose things from my past to share with my kids or to teach them. For example, I've got a a Fatherhood podcast and my daughters have been. On and off, really interested in that. Not just what a podcast is, but like how do you make it, like how do you edit audio files?

How do you figure out the story that you want to tell? And being able to share some of those tools with them and actually see them like interest from them in that is super gratifying as well.

Krissy: Oh, that's so cool to hear. To hear like how [00:20:00]

you've taken on this, this role, and it just feels right, like just the, everything else doesn't matter. Like you are just here

to help these kids. I. Thrive and, and learn, and you're just, you seem to get so much joy

from the, just watching them grow and watching them become who they are.

That's what I'm getting from you.

Adam: Absolutely. Yeah. It's, it's so gratifying. It's so exciting. And I mean,

Krissy: I.

Adam: everybody loves their kids, right? But I'm just like, as my girls grow,

just to see them become these like curious, like, like funny, hysterical, like kind, empathetic, crazy people is, just a roller coaster and I'm enjoying it so

Krissy: Amazing.

I wanna know what's been the hardest part

for you.

Of being a dad along the road so far for your 11 years, It maybe it's a moment in time, maybe it's a theme that keeps copping [00:21:00] up. What's been most challenging for you?

Adam: I think the hardest thing for me was, my mother passed away about four years ago, and so my girls are, like I said, 11 and eight now, so they were. Seven and four then, and even my 4-year-old still has such strong, memories

Krissy: Wow.

Adam: my mother. And, and, and I think part of that is, know, we live in a

world now where we're constantly taking photos and videos so we can very easily like, recall photos and they can see her and they can hear her voice and things like that.

So I think that that helps with some of the, the memory stuff. But that was a really, it was hard us.

Krissy: Yeah.

Adam: really hard for my girls, and they bring her

up all the time, still talk about how much they miss her and how great of a grandmother she

Krissy: Yeah.

Adam: everybody processes grief

Krissy: Yep. [00:22:00]

Adam: and at different ages it's gonna hit differently.

But that was a, a tough thing for our family and for me in

particular. cause I had a very

close relationship with my mom and it makes me think about,

other people in

are

Krissy: Yeah.

Adam: older on, on both sides of our family. My, my dad, you know,

my, my wife's parents I'm not looking

forward to.

Going through that again,

only for my, like my own grieving process, but

to usher the girls through that process again.

Admittedly

Krissy: Yeah.

Adam: a little curious to see now that they're

Krissy: Yeah.

Adam: it might

look different. yeah, it's something that has been really tough and

I'm not looking forward to having to go through it again at some point.

Hopefully not

Krissy: absolutely I hope.

Hope so.

That's so hard to have to.

Grieve [00:23:00] yourself while also helping your children go through this. And what I'm getting from you,

and

and, I may be wrong here, is

this sense of

you want

just for your family to be happy. You want for your girls to be happy, you want them to be thriving.

And when you can't fix that,

that, that, seemed like it was tough when you couldn't do anything about that.

Adam: Yeah, I've never thought about it that.

way, but I think you're absolutely right. also, it was also really interesting because it gave them a chance to see. Both my wife and and me be very vulnerable, you know, like to get emotional and I, my girls know that.

there's certain little buttons that they can push that will trigger me to like tear up, just like me of things they did when they were But to

Krissy: Oh

Adam: like. Like actually out of

Krissy: yeah, yeah.

Adam: losing my mother or will like be reading a book at [00:24:00] bedtime that

For both of us, like triggers a, a memory of her and, and like that's another, that's another super interesting just shift in the dynamic of our relationship. And

I

Krissy: Right.

Adam: I think it's

Krissy: Yeah.

Adam: them to see that. parents can be strong and always will have their

back and will like always protect them and always lift them up,

but also can

go through periods where like things hurt real

bad I think it's a good life lesson for them.

Krissy: It really is, and it's so, they're so lucky to have a

emotionally mature male role model in their life to show them that

men are. Men have feelings and men are gonna have a

wide range of them. That's amazing.

Now I wanna hear just one

happy memory that you've had

with your, your girls. Something that sticks out of something that

it just makes you smile.

Adam: oh man,

Krissy: I know.

Adam: you know. [00:25:00] Growing up, I always

loved outside and like looking for critters, flipping over rocks, looking for worms and catching frogs and, and toads. And we live in an area where there's like lots of great around us. And so we go out on hikes and we're always just like

looking for snakes and salamanders or like, or like walking around a big,

Pond, like catching frogs, and that's something that brings

all, all of us, a lot of joy. My wife might get a little annoyed with us sometimes, but it brings the girls and and me a lot of joy.

Krissy: I love that. I love that I, that

image of you all like catching salamanders and

looking under rocks for newts and things like that. It looks, it's so cute. Well, thank you so much for being here with me today, Adam. I hope that you'll come back for the next episode where we can talk more about all of the conversations that you've had with dads and the observations that you've made about the evolution of a dad throughout their, their journey.

Adam: I [00:26:00] will

Krissy: tell us, where can everyone find you and your podcast

Adam: Sure, well, you can find Modern

Krissy: I.

Adam: or just search Modern Dad Hood on any of the

podcast platforms. We're also on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn. I. we appear on TikTok and on YouTube. So really anywhere that, that you, you might be looking, you can find Modern Dad Hood. For information on me specifically I have a website Adam Flaherty tv

And I can spell that.

But if you're gonna include a link in your

episode notes, then I.

won't bother you with spelling my ridiculous last

Krissy: I will definitely include a link in the show notes so that way you can just scroll on over to that and, and connect with Adam. Thank you, so much for being here with me, Adam.

Adam: you, Krissy. This has been so much fun.

If you found this episode as interesting as I did, share it with a friend or some of the dads in your life.

Take a second to follow the show and leave a rating review. It really helps more moms find the [00:27:00] show and come on over and say hi. On Instagram at Mom Identity Project, I'd love to connect with you.

You're gonna wanna stick around because in the next episode, Adam's coming back after interviewing over 150 dads from all kinds of backgrounds on his podcast, modern dadhood, he's sharing what he's learned about the quiet struggles, the emotional shifts, and the surprising joys of fatherhood, especially the stuff that dads wish moms knew about. It's honest eye-opening and filled with moments that just might change the way you see your parenting partner or your own dad. You won't wanna miss it.

If you're ready to start making some more connections, sending dms or reaching out at the playground,

Then you can grab my free PDF, make Mom friends in seven days. It's full of scripts, prompts, and reflection tools that you can use or copy and paste messages that you can send right now to start making those connections and friendships.

You can find the link in the show notes.

Mom Identity Project https://momidentityproject.com
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