The Secrets Behind Overcoming Mom Guilt (E43)

Mom's Guide to Finding Herself
Written By Mom Identity Project

You finally made it to bedtime. The kids are asleep, the house is quiet, and you’re lying in bed…staring at the ceiling, listing every “mistake” from your day like it’s your job.

“I shouldn’t have yelled.”
“I should’ve played instead of folding laundry.”
“I should’ve made a better lunch.”
“I should’ve been more patient, more fun, more present…”

And even though you tried your best—really tried—there’s still that ache. That whisper that maybe your best wasn’t good enough.

That’s mom guilt.

And it’s exhausting.

You’re Not Alone (Even If It Feels Like It)

Mom guilt doesn’t care what kind of mom you are. Working mom? Stay-at-home mom? Somewhere in between? It shows up either way.

It’s the pit in your stomach after snapping at your toddler. The shame that creeps in when you take 10 minutes to scroll your phone. The guilt that somehow, some way, you’re not doing “enough.”

Let me tell you something: you are not broken. You’re a mom who cares deeply. And maybe, like me, you’ve been carrying this guilt for far too long.

Why Is Mom Guilt So Relentless?

Because your brain is literally wired for it.

When we become moms, our brains release more oxytocin—aka the bonding hormone. It helps us nurture and connect with our babies... but it also makes us hyper-aware of our perceived failures. Add in societal pressure, generational expectations, and Instagram-perfect highlight reels, and it’s no wonder we’re drowning in “shoulds.”

Should be working.
Should be home.
Should be making crafts.
Should be feeding organic snacks.
Should be taking care of ourselves.
Should be sacrificing everything for our kids.

See the trap?

The Guilt Spiral Isn’t Truth—It’s a Thought Pattern

Most of the time, guilt doesn’t come from something wrong you did. It comes from a rulebook in your head that was never yours to begin with.

So let’s start there—with your thoughts.

“I feel guilty for not playing with my kids all day.”
Reframe: “Independent play is great for their creativity and resilience—and I did play with them today.”

“I’m a bad mom because I yelled.”
Reframe: “I had a moment. I’m human. And I repaired it—that matters just as much.”

Cognitive reframing, a tool from therapy, helps reduce guilt-related stress by up to 40%. That’s not just good news—it’s freedom.

How to Loosen Guilt’s Grip on You

Here are a few ways to take your power back:

1. Run the “Would You Say This to a Friend?” Test

If your best friend told you she lost it and yelled today, would you say she’s a bad mom? No? Then don’t say it to yourself.

2. Unfollow the Pressure

That “perfect” mom you follow on social? If she’s making you feel like crap, it’s okay to mute her—even if she’s lovely. Protect your peace. (You can always come back later if it feels right.)

3. Stop the Martyr Mindset

You’re not supposed to disappear into motherhood. In fact, studies show that kids with moms who prioritize self-care have better emotional resilience. Taking time for yourself isn’t selfish—it’s strategic.

4. Build Your Guilt-Free Muscle

Start small. Five minutes of guilt-free joy a day. A quiet coffee. A deep breath. A stretch. A dance break. That’s not nothing—it’s you rebuilding your identity, brick by brick.

Research shows just five minutes of self-care can lower your stress hormones by 30%.

That’s real. That’s worth it.

You Deserve Joy—Not Just Survival

Mom guilt might always knock, but you don’t have to answer. You can choose curiosity over criticism. You can challenge the script. You can rewrite your own story.

And if you need support finding your people—people who get it—I’ve got you. You can download my free guide “Make a Mom Friend in 7 Days” right here:
👉 Get the Guide

Because this season wasn’t meant to be walked alone.

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All donations go directly to supporting the production of the Mom's Guide to Finding Herself podcast

For Your Binging Enjoyment…

The Secrets Behind Overcoming Mom Guilt

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[00:00:00] Have you ever laid in bed at night replaying everything you should have done differently as a mom? Maybe you felt guilty for working or for staying home, or for losing your patience, or for taking time for yourself. No matter what you do, it never feels like enough. If this sounds familiar, you are not alone.

In this episode, we are tackling mom guilt and it is packed with real talk, real strategies, and a little bit of tough love because you deserve to stop feeling guilty for being human.

Let me take you into a moment. I've lived more times than I can count. It's the end of the day, the house is quiet. Finally, the kids are asleep and I should be winding down too. But instead, I am laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, replaying everything I [00:01:00] should have done differently.

I shouldn't have snapped when my toddler dumped his snack on the floor. I should have played instead of folding the laundry. I should have been more patient. I should have made them a better lunch. I, I should have. I should have. I should have.

And even though I know I did my best, there's still this ache, this heaviness that whispers maybe your best wasn't good enough. That's mom guilt. And it's not just a passing thought, it's a constant hum. In the background of so many of our days. Sometimes it's loud and obvious, and other times it's subtle, a quiet sense that we're falling short even when we're doing everything.

So if you've ever felt that pit in your stomach after yelling or that shame spiral after choosing to rest, instead of being productive, you're not broken.

You're just a mom who cares deeply. And maybe like me, you've been carrying way too much guilt for far too long. Today we're gonna talk about that, where it comes from, why it sticks around, and how we can start releasing it.

So [00:02:00] what is mom guilt? Mom guilt is the persistent feeling that you are not doing enough, you're not doing it right or somehow you're failing your child. It's often fueled by unrealistic expectations, societal pressures, or internalized perfectionism. Studies show that 87% of moms report experiencing mom guilt at some point, more than half of moms feel guilt daily about their parenting decisions.

And a study from the Journal of Family Psychology found that parental guilt can lead to higher stress levels, anxiety and even depression. But social media makes it worse, and we know that scrolling through perfect mom content leads to a 42% increase in feelings of inadequacy.

So why is mom guilt so common? If we know it's not about us, and we know that we're not doing anything wrong, why is mom guilt so common? Because we're biologically wired for it. The brain releases oxytocin. That's the bonding hormone. That's the hormone that you feel when you're [00:03:00] given a big hug or you're holding your baby and having that contact nap. It makes us hyper aware of our children's needs, but it also makes us more sensitive to perceived failures. Today's moms are expected to not just be everything, which is nothing new. That's always been there, but now we're not just expected to be these full-time caregivers.

We're also expected to be Pinterest moms or self-care gurus. Everything all at the same time. Because we get into this social media comparison trap, we compare our worst parenting moments to someone else's highlight reel. We see the things that they are posting, which are just five second clips of their day, maybe 30 seconds, maybe a minute.

To our 24 hours. If we took 30 second videos of our day, of our best moments and watched them back at the end of the night, I bet we would feel differently. There's also a generational guilt that we feel sometimes people who are ahead of us in the [00:04:00] game, they'll look back and they'll remember they're raising their children more idyllically than they might have experienced in real life.

And that can often reinforce guilt by comparing parenting styles or questioning the choices that we're making now, and feeling like we have to defend our choices to somebody who might not understand the whole story.

That's one trigger for mom guilt. But mom guilt can come from almost anything. Right? And there's no escaping it.

Whether you are working outside of the home or not, you're going to feel guilt. 62% of working moms feel guilty about working, but also stay at home. Moms feel guilty for not contributing financially or worrying that they're not doing enough for their kids. There's a self-care guilt. Can you believe it? We, the thing that we should be taking care of ourself with, we're feeling guilty about if I take care of myself, I'm being selfish.

There's that end of it, but then there's also the end of, I should be taking care of myself. More moms who don't practice self-care are more likely to experience burnout, and we know that, [00:05:00] but we're. Like caught on both ends of this, I should be doing more. I should be doing less. Ah, where do we even go with this discipline and losing our patience?

I yelled too much today. Good moms don't get frustrated. I shouldn't have let that thing go. I should have been more on top of it. There should have been consequences for that. Were those the right consequences? Was I too harsh? Was I too lenient? All of the things never stop feeding and nutrition guilt.

It starts with breastfeeding versus formula, and then it transforms into processed snacks versus homemade meals. You are never going to do it right in your own brain. You're always worried if you were doing enough, I should do more crafts with the kids.

I should be more present. I should be doing this and that and the other thing. It doesn't stop, but there are research backed strategies that we can use to overcome mom guilt. We can challenge the thought that's called cognitive reframing. Ask yourself, is this guilt true or is it an unrealistic [00:06:00] expectation?

For example, I feel guilty for not playing with my kids all day. I. Reframe it. Independent play is good for their development. Maybe I did actually play with them. Am I telling myself a true story? Think about the evidence for the thing that you're worried that you didn't do. Instead of coming up with all the evidence that supports why you should feel guilty.

Start defending yourself to yourself. Advocate for yourself to your brain. Cognitive behavioral therapy research shows that reframing negative thoughts can reduce guilt related stress by 40%, and you have some control over reframing your thoughts. You have control over challenging yourself and asking yourself those hard questions to get yourself into a different mindset, to steer your brain into that direction.

You can set boundaries with social media, curate your feed, unfollow any of the counts that make you feel less than, or maybe just pause [00:07:00] them or maybe just hide them for a little while if you don't wanna unfollow. But if for some reason you're looking at them and they're making you feel like you're not doing enough, that is not good for you.

Even if you are inspired by their account, maybe you really like their content. If you are watching their account and thinking, Ugh, I should, I should, or I'm not, I'm not. Make a move limiting social media to 30 minutes a day has been shown to reduce feelings of inadequacy by 65%. I don't know about you, but I'm on social media for probably more than 30 minutes throughout my whole day.

That is something to keep in mind. If this is something you're struggling with. Another thing you can do is use the, would you say this to a friend test when you catch yourself thinking, I am a bad mom because I yelled today, or because of anything. Ask yourself, would I say this to my best friend?

No, then don't say it to yourself. Have that real talk with yourself, just like you would with your best friend, if they were to come and ask you, if you thought that they were in the wrong, you would be honest with them.

You [00:08:00] probably wouldn't just be a pushover no matter what and say, no, no, no, you're fine. You're fine. You would be honest. You would point out to them the things that they truly should be second guessing or reinforcing the no, you are fine if you truly mean that.

Do that to yourself. Run that same test by yourself. Another thing that you can do is identify and replace the mom martyr mindset. Many moms believe that good parenting means sacrificing everything for their kids. But research from Harvard Child Development Center shows that children with moms who practice self-care develop stronger emotional resilience.

So do it for your kids. If you are worried about taking time for yourself and you're feeling like a burden, just know that the research shows that taking time for yourself, providing yourself with self-care is going to help your children in the long run. We want to have emotionally resilient children.

Trust me, you want kids that can bounce back from a setback. One of the things that research is showing [00:09:00] us that we can do to teach that is by taking care of ourselves. There are so many factors there we aren't going to be able to impact throughout their lives, but this is one that you can so jump on it.

And the last thing I'm going to give you here today is that you can build your guilt-free muscle. This is not something that you know how to do right away without any prep work. It's just like any muscle. You've gotta start small.

You've gotta push through the uncomfortable and you'll get stronger. Just know that you'll get there. So if you're having a hard time spending time by yourself or leaving, spend just five minutes a day on yourself. Make that your personal strategy. Take just five minutes every day to do something just for you.

This will help you build that muscle of prioritizing yourself without guilt. So you could enjoy your coffee alone. You could stretch or do some deep breathing exercises. You could listen to one song that you love. Maybe go in your car and just listen to that one single song. Step outside for some fresh air.[00:10:00]

Go fill up the gas tank by yourself and come back. There's so many things that you can do that don't feel like big asks that aren't huge commitments. That can just give you an excuse to practice Psychology

research shows that five minutes of self-care reduces stress hormones by 30%. And you know what? I'll take it. So my final takeaways for you, you are not alone and you deserve joy. Guilt is a sign that you care, but it shouldn't control you. Challenge guilt, set boundaries.

Give yourself the same grace that you give to others. Start small. I. Five minutes a day can rewire your brain for more self-compassion. We have taught ourselves over our whole lives, a lot of messages that we are trying to undo right now, and our brains are plastic. They can be molded, they can be formed.

It just takes time and you can do it.

If this episode spoke to you, share it with a friend who might be feeling the same [00:11:00] way. Follow the show, leave a review and come on over and say hi On Instagram at Mom Identity Project. I love connecting in the dms. It's where a lot of my friendships started.

And if you are ready to start making those connections, sending dms, or reaching out at the playground, then you can grab my free PDF Make Mom Friends in seven days.

It's full of scripts, prompts, and reflection tools that you can use, or copy and paste messages that you can send right now to start making those connections and friendships. You can find the link in the show notes.

And be sure to stick around because in the next episode, we are flipping the script for Father's Day and getting a dad's perspective on how this fatherhood thing has impacted the dads in our lives.

Mom Identity Project https://momidentityproject.com
Next

From Shame to Strength: What Every Mom Should Know About Her Pelvic Floor with Dr. Sara Reardon (E42)