What Dads Wish Moms Knew About Dadhood with Adam Flaherty: Father's Day Edition (E45)

Mom's Guide to Finding Herself
Written By Mom Identity Project

If you're a mom, you’ve probably spent hours googling everything from "how to get a toddler to eat vegetables" to "why do I feel like I’ve lost myself?" But how often do we pause and ask: What is my partner going through, really?

In this episode, I sat down again with Adam Flaherty, host of the Modern Dadhood podcast, to get the inside scoop on what dads are struggling with, what they wish moms knew, and how we can better understand and support each other.

The Stuff Dads Don’t Say Out Loud

After interviewing over 100 dads on his podcast, Adam has noticed some consistent themes—ones we don’t often hear about. Things like:

  • The crushing loneliness many dads experience, especially in the early years.

  • The fear and anxiety around technology and parenting, particularly when it comes to screens and social media.

  • The deep but often unspoken grief over lost freedom and identity.

What makes it harder? Most men don’t feel like they can talk about it.

It’s Not Just the Mom Who Changes

While moms are often at the center of conversations around identity loss, Adam sheds light on how dads go through it too—just in quieter ways. From losing friendships to letting go of hobbies, many dads are grieving their old selves without fully realizing it.

Adam also pointed out how rare it is for dads to have community. There aren’t local "dad groups" or active Facebook circles like there are for moms. So that sense of "am I the only one?" runs deep.

How Relationships Shift—And Why That Matters

Let’s be real: no relationship comes out of early parenting untouched. Adam opened up about how his own relationship shifted dramatically in the newborn phase. It became all about survival—and his marriage, like many others, quietly moved to the back burner.

What changed things for the better? Talking about it. Even the uncomfortable parts.

From intimacy to everyday emotional connection, Adam stressed the importance of dads and moms checking in with each other—not to fix things immediately, but to make space for honesty.

What Moms Can Do to Support Dads (Even If It’s Not Our Job)

Adam was quick to clarify: it’s not moms’ job to carry the emotional load for everyone. But many dads don’t even realize they’re struggling, let alone feel empowered to speak up.

What helps?

  • Making space for vulnerability.

  • Opening conversations without judgment.

  • Recognizing that many dads want to be equal partners—they just might not know how to step in.

And if your partner seems fine on the outside? He might still be quietly wondering if he’s doing a good enough job.

Why This Matters

We talk so much about maternal mental health (and we should). But expanding the conversation to include dads doesn’t take anything away from moms. In fact, it brings us all closer.

Because when both parents feel seen, supported, and safe to be honest—we all win.

🔗 Connect with Adam Flaherty & Modern Dadhood

👤 About Adam Flaherty

Adam Flaherty is a proud dad of two powerful daughters, a husband to an equally powerful wife, and a creative professional based in southern Maine. He’s a commercial director and video editor by trade, a podcast developer and host by passion, and a voice artist by side hustle—and he finds great excitement in aligning compelling stories with hungry audiences.

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For Your Binging Enjoyment…

Copy of Part 2

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[00:00:00] We hear a lot about the mental load of motherhood and rightfully so, but what about dads? What are they struggling with that we're not seeing today?

Adam Flaherty is back on the show. the host of the podcast, modern Dad Hood, and after interviewing over 150 dads from all kinds of backgrounds, he's bringing us the real talk on what dads wish moms knew, why they're lonelier than we think, and how parenthood changes their identity too.

If you've ever wondered what's really going on in the heads of the dads in your life, this episode might change the way you see them.

I am thrilled to have Adam Flaherty back with me today. If you missed the last episode, you'll definitely wanna go back and hear his story of how fatherhood reshaped his identity and his life. But today we're taking it even deeper because Adam has interviewed over 150 dads on his [00:01:00] podcast, modern Dadhood, and he's here to share what he's learned.

Adam's a proud dad of two powerful daughters and a husband to an equally powerful wife and a creative professional based in Southern Maine.

He's a commercial director and video editor by Trade, a podcast host by passion, and a voice actor on the side. But today he's here as a fellow parent trying to figure it out alongside the rest of us. And let me tell you what he's sharing in this episode opened my eyes. From the loneliness that dads don't always talk about to the invisible pressures that they carry. This conversation is one we all need to hear.

Krissy: Adam, thank you so much for coming back today. I'm so excited to dive into the observations that you have made throughout the years talking to dads on your podcast.

Adam: my pleasure. The last chat was really fun. I'm looking forward to this one, Krissy.

Krissy: So

we hear a lot about the.

Struggles that moms go through. I mean, maybe it's just me because I'm in this world and that's what my algorithm's showing me, but I think it's bigger than that. I think we miss the conversation of what a dad is really going through, [00:02:00] and there's probably a lot of reasons for it, for why we're not hearing about it, why it's not in the forefront.

But if you can tell me what are some of the things that

dads are

struggling with or what are the,

what are the big experiences that dads are facing that we are just not seeing?

Adam: Well, in having interviewed over, I think we're at

Krissy: Wow.

Adam: Modern Dad, so interviewing that many.

Dads, there's a few things that come up frequently. One of them is something that I'm, I'm certain that moms are dealing with too because it's just so prevalent, but just kind of a fear of

Krissy: Mm.

Adam: I. internet enabled devices into

our kids' hands and

it, it's just something that I feel like none of us are ready for or know

exactly how to control it or how to observe it or, or put limitations on it. [00:03:00] And it's just something that, that pops up a lot in our conversations. But something that no.

I, I, again, not

exclusive to dads by

any means, but maybe not something that's discussed as much this

idea of of loneliness. And I think that, I don't think that, I know from talking to a lot of dads that when they start having kids, they lose their. Sense of self, and it may be losing a routine, right? A, a, a health routine working out or eating healthy or even mental wellness.

It may be not doing social things with friends anymore, there, Despite So many people being like on in, in exactly the same place in their life, [00:04:00] they're not connecting with people to, to talk about it. And so there's no outlet to discuss the things that are hard and the things that are awesome and. So loneliness is something that really like prevails in a lot of dads, but I think just because of the nature of like being a man, you know, be allowing yourself to be vulnerable is not something that comes naturally to most of us. And so the idea of. talking about about feeling lonely. It, it feels like we're whining or complaining. so that that's something that, that's another theme that's come up on our show a lot that I was kind of surprised to hear the first few times because reflecting on my own experience, raising my kids when they were young, it's not something that I felt super connected with.

Krissy: Yeah, it's [00:05:00] really interesting 'cause in our last conversation, and I, I actually made a note about this and I forgot to bring it up. You mentioned how your wife was in Facebook groups

and was connecting with lots of other moms who were in the same phase as her. And we talk about that a lot in this podcast of sometime why our old friendships don't necessarily translate over is because we're all just kind of in different.

Parts, like they might come back, but we have different things going on,

different values, different things that are important,

but there's not the dad groups,

Adam: I don't I, I

Krissy: right?

There's a few, but

Adam: dad group on Facebook that was much more active, you know, 10 years

ago when my, when I was raising a newborn. no, there's not, there's not a lot out there it's kind of what we are aiming to do with our podcasts. You know, we haven't really put a focus on building a community, so to speak, where like people can message back and forth, but at least creating. [00:06:00] around topics

that are adjacent and so that anybody who's kind of going through any

stage of fatherhood can find things that that relate to where they're at and recognize that hey, there's a lot of other people out there

that are. Experiencing this too. And,

you know, whether it's, whether we have a guest who is actually imparting wisdom or sharing tips for how to get through things like you do so well in, in your podcast, or it's just a, a comedian who's talking about, you know, how ridiculous it is, you know, touring the country making fart

But at

Krissy: sure.

Adam: dealing with the same things

are, you

Krissy: Yeah.

Adam: That

any

Krissy: Yeah.

Adam: sort of like celebrating

the good stuff, commiserating about the

I, I

Krissy: Yeah.

Adam: value in that kind of content even without like

necessarily a [00:07:00] Facebook group.

Krissy: Absolutely, yes. I mean, and I know that there's a dad page on Reddit, so if that's something, a community that is interesting. There's a space there, but there's not like the local dad groups. There's not necessarily, it's just not a thing you do. So the conversations that you're having with your friends that.

Aren't like, like you talked about, you're, you were so into music and then you weren't

in the same way. So the conversations,

do they almost become superficial? If you aren't able.

To talk about the things that are the most important to you in the way that you can relate to somebody else with it. Right? You know, like if your girls or something that your kid's going through,

it's so important to you.

Like maybe you just like

spent forever

building a place set, picking out a place set for the backyard,

and, and you did all this research. Your friends don't care about that necessarily,

Adam: Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Well, so I think where those [00:08:00] conversations happen is, at least in the case of my experience and my co-host Mark we. We had been friends prior to having kids, but then when we started having kids, that is, our conversations just started being about our And

Krissy: Yeah.

Adam: a lot about how when there's a neighborhood get together or a

holiday party and there's other friends that are your age who are

going through, through, then

Krissy: Yep.

Adam: talking about, but it's more like one-on-one conversations when events pop I haven't seen a lot of. Local groups that meet at a

regular cadence. And I think like more of that would be awesome. just

just comradery, support, like, you don't have to talk about your kids, but just knowing that

there, there's this shared experience. I think that that,

I think there would be a lot of value in something like

of

Krissy: Yeah.

Right. the

the understanding what kind of pressures you're [00:09:00] facing and, and what things, and I, I hear what you're saying with it probably gets easier when you start to meet people through when your kids are in school

and school age, but, but in those early years, man, yeah. That loneliness that is so important to point out.

Another aspect of all of this is how our relationships change after we have kids. I'm sure your relationship changed just like mine did. And I'm curious from your own relationship and from the dads that you've talked to, how does the way your relationship changes impact you and other dads that you've talked to?

Adam: with our first daughter because it was such a new thing that we had never experienced. your our relationship kind of got put on the back burner, which I'm sure is, because for both of you, your soul focus again is, is keeping this baby alive and, and keeping so that you

Krissy: Yeah.

Adam: keep this baby alive.

Right? And

your relationship kind of just goes, a, second. It's a, is an [00:10:00] right?

Krissy: Mm-hmm.

Adam: will. back to some version of

us when time permits and I

think that's, that's, okay. That's kind of how it has to go in those earliest days.

But I

think for a lot of people that I. Kind of back burner thing

can become

Krissy: Yeah.

Adam: you don't talk about it. And so one of

the things that when, when a new dad or a

dad to be asks me

for advice that they might not find in a book, which doesn't happen often, but occasionally when it does, my advice is. Just to make sure

that you're being open and communicating

that

Krissy: Yeah.

Adam: partner too.

Because

if you're not open, you're not talking about about relationship, about what's important to [00:11:00] you, about what you need, then it just goes unspoken.

And when things go unspoken, they become bottled up and you start to. Create your own narrative in

your head, or, attribute things to your partner that maybe aren't

So, you know, there's the, the

relationship. Obviously there's a, a physical part of a relationship, which also goes away for a period of time, and sometimes that's a long

Krissy: Mm-hmm.

Adam: You know, we can joke

about it, but as

Krissy: Yeah.

Adam: something that I think most of us think

about a lot. And again, if it's something that, that you're not discussing, that you're not having conversations about, it can easily just sort of become

Krissy: Yeah.

Adam: I think for both parties [00:12:00] like.

Coming back together

to be intimate.

And I'm not just talking about like physical,

but

just like emotional intimacy. Reconnecting like

romantically is something that,

that most cases, like both partners want, it's just a matter of when the time is right. And

if you're not talking about

it, then. It's just another thing that can kind of stay on the back burner

indefinitely. So all that to say, I think communication is so important and.

And as a dad, like, look, again, look for ways to reconnect with your

partner. Don't be pushy

about it, but like, how, what can you do to just make things easier for her or make her day better, or remind her that you love her unconditionally?

Things like that go a long way.

Krissy: We talk on this show a lot about what moms grieve. We grieve who we used to be. We grieve the values that we used [00:13:00] to have we're,

we are

faced with a lot of shame of the things that we

used to think were important and that are no longer important to us. So it's a lot, there's a lot of shame attached to that.

What do you think dads are grieving that they don't necessarily realize that they're facing?

Adam: Probably just my instinct is, is that it's first and foremost just the loss freedom. Like the ability to spontaneously do whatever, whatever you want to do, But I also don't know that most dads are thinking about it in that way. So I think, I think it's a natural thing to grieve, but I, I just don't think that we're putting a label on it and thinking,

I'm, I'm, upset or sad or depressed because

I feel like I am tethered to my house and, and my kid when. [00:14:00] I used to be able to take off for three hours and go do this thing that I love to do.

Krissy: Now, this is something I wanna touch on because when I post about things like this from moms and the mom perspective, I'll get a lot of comments like,

why is it only the moms that have to do this? Why can the dad still go out and do hours of golf? Or whatever the thing is. And obviously, not every relationship, not every person is the same.

But with all of the dads that you've talked to,

do you see

that, that that's a common thread where dads are able to go, still do all these things? Or is it a common thread that

you're a, a

lot less, you're a lot more restricted than we think you are.

Adam: Well, I think you said it Krissy, that every relationship dynamic is different and there's, it's a, there's always a give and take, but the common thread that I've found through, would say all of the conversations that [00:15:00] we've had with guests on our show is that. We instinctively feel driven to as equitable partners as we can and to be present with our family and involved with our kids and, make it our, our job, our shared job with our, our partners to raise kids and to model the things that we want to see in our kids. So. I don't know. I, a tough one for me because maybe, you know, maybe we are selecting, guests onto our show who, you know, fit a certain mold. I. It's interesting to think about because the whole, the whole mission of our show is to invite dads whose experiences are different from our own.

Mark and I are two like white guys who wear [00:16:00] plaid shirts and glasses and live in like suburban New England, which is so non-diverse. And so we aim to bring on people who, who represent like. more diverse and that could be like race, ethnicity, that could be their like their sexuality.

That could be their age. It could be socioeconomic status. And, but I, but I found that it's, it's a common thread that we. Yeah, even if it's not necessarily how we, what was modeled to us growing up our own dads and grandfathers, we strive to be present and to be, know, equal partners. I don't know.

That's, that's a tough one. I may, I'm, not saying by any means that, that, that it's the respon in a situation like what you've described, that it's the responsibility of a wife to say. you can't do that. [00:17:00] I think it goes back to what one of the things we chatting about in the last episode, which is there just needs to be open

Krissy: Mm-hmm.

Adam: stuff.

And I think both partners need to, I.

Maybe push out of their comfort zone and

and say

Krissy: Yeah.

Adam: working for them. And if a husband is out

like golfing for three hours and his wife doesn't feel like that's, that's equitable or that's fair, or that she doesn't have the opportunities to do things like that, like I think conversations open, conversations around that could

a huge difference.

Krissy: I think it's important what you said, and I wanna reiterate it, that you're finding that whether or not it's the case in practice, there's, there seems to be this drive,

this desire, this intention of creating an equitable relationship. And

I think that's important because if that is truly.

What is intended, what is meant and desired,

then that changes the conversation, [00:18:00]

right?

Versus being defensive or being attacking. Instead of saying, you don't want this, knowing that they are

in their, in their depth,

probably do want this because that's what you're finding that most men seem to want.

Then

that's a different kind of conversation.

Adam: Well, that's what most men seem to want, who come on our

Krissy: Yes. Let's,

Adam: So, again, like I, I just wanna by saying like,

Krissy: yeah.

Adam: created this space that like. Even though we seek

to have conversa, from people whose

Krissy: Mm-hmm.

Adam: are different, like maybe we have created a space that is

comfortable, most comfortable and most attractive to people who do dads, who

Krissy: Right.

Adam: equitable partnerships and do try to be as supportive as they can

and, and, and all that.

Krissy: Now, what do you see

is something that

dads

maybe wish they had for support

I. They don't necessarily have, we talked [00:19:00] about the community aspect, but, but what could they be getting maybe from the moms in their lives who are listening today?

What kinds of support do you think they would want from their moms that they're not necessarily getting, they don't even know to ask for?

Adam: That's a great question, and I'm not sure about support from their partners, you know, jumping back to the loneliness thing and the vulnerability thing, like, I, just think we, we have this, this situation where men. Don't feel in some cases, don't even, can't even look at the situation objectively and recognize that they are needing support in certain ways. And the other piece of it, which is can be really tricky, is. They feel, and, and I, I'm this just from things that I've learned from other dads. They feel [00:20:00] that voicing that they need support like discredits. What their wife is experiencing in some ways, whether it is or not, like that there's this perception that like, I can't, I can't ask for help for something because look at what my wife's doing.

It's 10 times harder than what I'm going through and, and she's doing fine. And, so again, like I feel like I'm, I'm, just keep repeating myself like a broken record, but it just comes down to like communication and, and being willing to talk about it and lay it all on the table and, and and be vulnerable when that is very uncomfortable sometimes for dads. You know, one other thing that I wanna mention is we had an episode several months back, and my guest's name was Kelly Jean Philippe who has a podcast called The Miscarriage Dad. And

wife

Krissy: [00:21:00] wow.

Adam: several, several, several miscarriages, but he was

sharing stories about. Experiencing a miscarriage, going into a clinic after to do the, you know, the, the terrible processes that you have to go through and just being ignored and just like

invalidated by the

providers

Krissy: Yeah.

Adam: and. And again, like, hi. His intention would never

be to take away support or invalidate his wife's experience like she carrying a

baby and it was not viable.

And that like, she has a, like a completely different physical and emotional connection to

growing inside of her, he just felt like completely

and.

And really is doing what he can to shine a

light on that [00:22:00] now so that other

who are going through this process with their partners may have, you know, more resources available to them.

And that was a real eye-opener for me.

Krissy: What a podcast. Wow. Yes. That's such an incredible aspect to shed light on. And the way you said it, I mean, you've said the communication thing several times. I think that's important, but the way you said it just now of why men may not be communicating their needs because they don't want to invalidate.

Their, the needs of their wife or their partner, like

you are going through so much. I see you, I see that. So I'm going to push

myself to the side. I'm going to sacrifice what I need because I don't want it to overshadow you.

So what I'm hearing is that as moms,

one thing that we can do to support our, our, the, the men in our lives

might be to open that door.

To

maybe open the conversation

[00:23:00] or to even look for the things that

they, your partner may be struggling with,

so that way you can open that door to that conversation for them, because

they don't wanna step on your toes. I,

Adam: That's, I think it's very true and that's very fair. I

also just wanna be

Krissy: yeah.

Adam: make it the the wife's

to have to open that door. It's like

to, to use an example, it's like asking a person of color to explain what. DEI

Krissy: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Adam: what you can do to be,

to be an ally or an advocate for them.

It's not like, it's

not that person's job to teach you. Like you, you have the ability to learn

about that your own other ways and become an ally [00:24:00] without. A, to the person who, you

know, to the, the person

who is on the

the end of, if that

Krissy: Yeah. for sure. I think the common theme here, what I'm hearing from both of us is that we just wanna fix things for each other.

Adam: so.

Krissy: wanna

to give each other a great experience and make each other happy. We're trying to figure out how we can do that and at

at the end of the day, you just have to do it for yourself with the support of somebody else, for sure.

But you have to ask for that support. You have to know what you want.

Adam: I think that's right. I think that's right.

Krissy: So

if you could tell new moms,

or, I mean, I guess the people listening aren't really new moms. A lot of my listeners, most of my listeners have children that are either toddlers, preschoolers, or beyond.

If you could tell them one thing that might totally shift how they see their partner,

what might you tell them?

Adam: I think it is just that as dads we, we [00:25:00] want to be part of this. We want to do the best we can. there are things that won't naturally to us, but we want to learn and we want to. an active participant in raising our children together. so even though it's not your job to teach us, like please feel free to open those doors and allow us to support and be involved to the best and highest degree that, that we can.

Krissy: Your insights, Adam, have been so incredibly educational. I feel like I have learned a lot

through talking to you about how

I can. Support my husband and

just open up more conversations, open up different kinds of [00:26:00] conversations than what we've been having

in order to try to support both of us, because

the

conversation about male mental health

needs to be louder, but at least it's getting a little bit louder, and I'm glad that you have been a part of that conversation because.

We, we need more spaces for dads to be able to

talk to each other because you're right, the loneliness

is real and I think that's pretty what's widespread. So tell us, where can everyone find you and your podcast

Adam: Sure, well, you can find Modern

Krissy: I.

Adam: or just search Modern Dad Hood on any of the

podcast platforms. We're also on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn. I. we appear on TikTok and on YouTube. So really anywhere that, that you, you might be looking, you can find Modern Dad Hood. For information on me specifically I have a website Adam Flaherty tv

And I can spell that.

But if you're [00:27:00] gonna include a link in your

episode notes, then I.

won't bother you with spelling my ridiculous last

Krissy: I will definitely include a link in the show notes so that way you can just scroll on over to that and, and connect with Adam. Thank you, so much for being here with me, Adam.

Adam: you, Krissy. This has been so much fun.

If you found this episode as interesting as I did, share it with a friend or some of the dads in your life.

Take a second to follow the show and leave a rating review. It really helps more moms find the show and come on over and say hi. On Instagram at Mom Identity Project, I'd love to connect with you.

If you're ready to start making some more connections, sending dms or reaching out at the playground,

Then you can grab my free PDF, make Mom friends in seven days. It's full of scripts, prompts, and reflection tools that you can use or copy and paste messages that you can send right now to start making those connections and friendships.

You can find the link in the show notes.

Today we talked a lot about how loneliness impacts dads, and we know that they're not alone in that.

Moms feel it too. If you've ever felt like you're surrounded by people, but still totally alone, like you've somehow disappeared into the role of [00:28:00] mom. The next episode is for you. We'll unpack why this happens, how it sneaks up on us, and most importantly, how connection is still possible even when you're in the thick of it.

Mom Identity Project https://momidentityproject.com
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Fatherhood Rewrote His Identity & Why That's OK with Adam Flaherty: Father's Day Edition (E44)